Sister, are you looking for a man to share your life with? Is your church populated with thousands upon thousands of eligible bachelors? Here are six unusual but important traits to look for in your next boyfriend:
1. Has the ability to hold gallons of jello in his bare arms while keeping a decent pace
A “real man” must be able to hold jello securely during a thunderstorm or an earthquake — but not just some jello. He must show the strength and dexterity to carry gallons of that red jiggly stuff while walking briskly in the most adverse of conditions. Dear sister, would you please consider making an exorbitant amount of jello, slopping it into his outstretched arms, and putting him through a rigorous obstacle course before dating him?
2. Frequently and courageously visits space in his nighttime dreams
Your next boyfriend must have space dreams, encountering martians and gross space rocks. If your boyfriend simply dreams about making sandwiches or walking up and down the nose of a giant eskimo, steer clear of that guy. He is not dreaming big enough for you.
3. Has humps in his boney back for storing tuna or roast beef
A boyfriend worth his keep has camel-like humps protruding out of his back which allows his future family to travel long distances without stopping. These humps scare many other women away, perhaps even cause them to throw up, but you, dear sister, must snatch up this beautiful humpback of a man.
4. Plays harmonica on every available park bench
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5. Shrinks to the size of a mouse in order to negotiate with trespassing vermin
Your next man should be your hero too. A heroes skillfully shrinks to the size of a mouse, enters the hole in which the mouse has made his home, and reasons with it. Your next boyfriend must be able negotiate with the nasty mouse, convincing it to leave for greener pastures. If you find a man who is willing to shrink to negotiate with a trespassing mouse, keep him.
6. Takes a low-squatting position when confronted by a rogue Jonas Brother
Watch carefully as your potential boyfriend is approached by a miscreant Jonas Brother. Does he puff out his chest? Make fists? Does he take heavy balls of meat out of his back humps? Shuffle a deck of cards? If he does these things, leave him immediately. However, if a wretched Joe Jonas approaches and your boy immediately takes a low-squatting position, this is the kind of guy you want to give your time to.