1891 And Abukkus: Spurgeon Laments The Coming New Year

"Dearest Abukkus! How great a friend you have always been to me."

The haze of London’s skyline overwhelmed him as he watched the snow slowly and deliberately fall to the ground.

Splash. A wet Spurgeon-tear, filled with Charles’ DNA, dropped aimlessly onto the window panel that he sat upon so many times. He often thought about Space, The Sermon on the Mount, and the board game Trouble that he was about to invent on this beautiful window sill.

“When will he arrive?” he thought, mostly dreaming of warm and cozy times gone by. This year would be different as Charles Spurgeon waited for his dear friend Abukkus to roll in by horse-drawn carriage. As cigar smoke filled the dining room, Spurgeon released several more DNA-filled tears as he lamented Abbukus, who wouldn’t be singing the carol he wrote years ago, Slop Some Cheese On A Cracker And Let’s Dance Till The Old Year Goes To Sheol.

It is well-documented that the work of the ministry had drained him in 1890 (his journals say so), but he was certainly grateful for the labor and fruit he had seen. He had reached a place of melancholy again, and even the taste of a cigar dipped in Pepsi wouldn’t cheer him up. Pepsi had lost its beautiful, sweet taste, as did most of everything he did. He looked forward to a brief respite with Abukkus, but everything would be different.

In the Fall, as DNA-filled leaves slowly fell to the ground, Abukkus took his Segway out to the fields to check on the corns to see if they were plump enough to turn them all into high-fructose corn syrup or maybe use them to scratch his back when it got itchy.

But as the field became nigh, he turned his attention to the beautiful haze of the London skyline, as his friend Spurgeon would later do without any big gorges around.

To the horror of Spurgeon (he would find out hours later), Abukkus’ distracted driving caused him to immediately ramp into a deep gorge filled with trees and grass and probably some water.

“He did a few tricks while careening into the woods, like kick flips and a Japan Air, just to fill the time,” historian Lamentations Miller told The Daily Cherub. “But when he came down, he bumped the lower, front part of his head on a Coke machine and lost all ability to use his mouth. Thankfully, to show the crowd that he was okay, he recovered the Segway and ripped off a few tricks for the fans while holding a thumbs-up.”

Spurgeon’s October 23rd journal entry was particularly revealing that year. “Dearest Abukkus! How great a friend you have always been to me. The words you often spake were terse, smooth, fine, and sometimes harsh. But now look! You have become as a mute, and no longer will I listen to your powerful mouth enunciate the lyrics to Slop Some Cheese On A Cracker And Let’s Dance Till The Old Year Goes To Sheol because of the London skyline. I am a mess.”

“Dearest Abukkus! How great a friend you have always been to me.”

***

Spurgeon’s salvation story is miraculous.

Born in Kelvedon, Essex, Spurgeon’s conversion happened January 6th, 1850, at the youthful age of fifteen. On his way to an appointment, a snow storm forced him to cut his journey short and walk into an old chapel in Artillery Street, Newtown, where, he noted, God opened his heart to understand the truth.

Beloved by many, Spurgeon is oft considered a hero of the faith to Evangelicals. Bold and brawny, he could captivate thousands with his preaching. “When the crowd would get restless,” Spurgeon biographer Pilsner Beetsniff told us, “Charles would wrestle an adult chimp for a while. Then he would start into his sermon again.”

But on December 31st, 1890, Spurgeon was particularly sullen and weepy. This wasn’t the CS that many had grown to love and adore. That night much of his DNA was packaged in tears by what we now know as tear ducts. These wet drops would eventually fall onto the window sill that had been designated as the only spot in his house where anyone was allowed to stretch their hamstrings and quadriceps for upcoming marathons.

Abukkus had finally arrived, but he wasn’t singing his traditional carol, nor was he listing all the numbers he knew off the top of his head like he usually did. He was silent.

“This really bothered Charles,” said Lamentations Miller. “Charles and Abukkus advertised Pepsi products together and said words to one another all the time, in many different contexts. Not any more.”

Charles opened the door, lifted up the grown man by the waste, and sang the old carol for him.

That is how many of us remember Charles Spurgeon,” said Miller. “He wrote lots of commentaries and tracts, and he preached many sermons; but most of us will simply remember the sadness he felt as he lifted a mute Abukkus up and down for thirty or forty minutes singing Slop Some Cheese On A Cracker And Let’s Dance Till The Old Year Goes To Sheol for his friend.

The skyline of old London would never be the same for Charles Spurgeon. It was this horrible skyline that caused his dear friend to fall into a deep gorge and become completely mute by hitting his face on a Coke machine. It was this skyline that drove him and Abukkus to mass-produce high-fructose corn syrup to prove to the world that Pepsi was a superior product.

Yes, it was this skyline that forced so much of his wet DNA to drip out of his eyes — on New Years Eve.

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