BREAKING: This Decent Man Will Stop At Nothing To Find A Wife And We’re Kind Of Annoyed By Him

This lovable Christian-creeper is lurking behind every corner at your Church functions - and he just wants to be wedded! Disgusting!

Meet Todd Blankenship. On the surface, there doesn’t seem to be anything unusual about him, other than his obsession with collectible meats. He’s an average young man in his late twenties. He has an average job, receives average income, attends church averagely, and has incredibly average looks. Underneath the surface of his cold wet skin, Todd hides a dark, sinister secret: 

He wants to get married.

Indeed, Mr. Blankenship desires to enter into blissful nuptials with an attractive, young, okay Christian lady. “Yeah, I guess you might say it’s been a dream of mine since my early teens,” says Todd. “I promised the Lord that I would follow Him wherever He wanted, but only after I got married.”

“Decent Todd,” as nearly everyone refers to him, is really discouraged. “I’m honestly getting a little bit frustrated with God right now.”

Todd, exasperated and dumping out paint all over his apartment floors, admitted with tears, “I’ve tried everything: flailing my arms on street corners, reaching out to Ricky Jazz-Jazz The Jazz Man, passing out business cards that say ‘I’m average but still want to tie the knot with an okay woman,’ dancing a bit of samba in the middle of local intersections, buying up a bunch of foreclosed houses, fixing them up, and selling for decent profit — even witnessing on local beaches. I’ve come up short every time.”

We asked Todd’s Pastor a few questions about the sad man that sits in the back of his church. “Todd? Yeah, I know him. Marriage is pretty much all he ever talks about. He’s scratched a bunch of female names into our back wall. Sometimes I wish he’d just shut up and leave Ricky Jazz-Jazz alone.”

At the time of this interview, Todd clearly seemed agitated and perplexed. However, his face was set like flint as he raced up and down the sidewalk wearing a bright pink cut-off t-shirt with the words “Marry Me!” on the front. Some would call Todd desperate, but that’s not how he looks at it. “I’m just eager to get on-mission with God, and my singleness is really hindering me from taking up my cross.”

Todd has been a part of countless singles ministries, including a Calvinist-only volleyball team, a young singles’ Sunday School classes on the books Ruth and Song of Solomon, and, in an unprecedented move, he invited himself to several blind dates that had been set up for some of his other friends. The poor guy just can’t seem to win, and we sincerely hope the glow stick fluid that he drank to make himself “glowier for the ladies” doesn’t kill him.

Good luck, Todd! Looks like you need it!

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