Everyone knows 2018 is going to be lit, but how lit, exactly, will it be? Well, here are eight exciting things happening in 2018 that will hopefully be so lit that they will make me forget about all these painful, gross cavities in my mouth.
1. Expect much more coughing, heavy clapping, and fist-swirling during sermons in 2018, but fewer fake grenades lobbed in the air to celebrate good diction.
2. J.D. Hall will experiment with holographic technology to tersely and publicly rebuke all kinds of people whenever he darn-near wants this year. It has been a grind for Pulpit and Pen founder J.D. Hall. Tough times came a-knockin’, and there was no relief in sight for the old boy. He was real tired, and he was ready to hang up the ol’ saddle. Day after day he slogged through the quicksand of life. Through it all, however — thick or thin — Jam Dillcrest Hall exemplified all five facets of what we in the business like to call “Grit”: the tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward very long-term goals, which often includes pushing through difficult times. He demonstrated grit in five important ways in 2017:
1. He got cut on a lot of nails and dealt with the deep, dark travails of tetanus like a champ.
2. He was fine eating mostly just spam all year.
3. He yelled so much. A tell-tale sign of grit.
4. He still used a beeper in 2017.
5. He blew a kiss to every two-by-four he saw.
That’s right, this guy was so gritty in 2017. Day in and day out, when the going got tough, when he was down and out, when he had no more fuel to burn — J.D. showed some real Montana grit. Without grit, talent is nothing more than disgusting unmet potential. J.D. met all of his potential — because of the grit. Because of all this grit, J.D. Hall is experimenting with new holographic technology to tersely and publicly rebuke all kinds of people whenever he darn-near wants this year.
Fine with us. He earned it.
3. All of the 2018 prophecies Beth Moore made in 2002 will finally come to roost.
“All of our favorite deceased NBA stars will rise from the grave in 2018 and cook us pot roast,” Beth Moore cried out in front of a Dallas, Texas church. But there was more, and it’s kind of awkward…
“Bread will finally be called ‘large floppy squares,’ and all of our churches will have to meet by air baloon because of terrible persecution by the anti-Christ, Nicolae Carpathia.” –Beth Moore, at Slinkton Baptist Church Women’s Conference
“Chence will be a respectable name in 2018.” — in a local Target
4. Chip (formerly Tim) Keller will expand his cumberbun collection in 2018 because Kathy told him to through a subtle, tiny message on the bottom of her last book cover. Wow!
5. Joe Carter of The Gospel Coalition will write nine things about so many things all the time and we will read all of them. One of the best parts of this steamy year will be the incredible fact that Joe Carter, the editor and delicate cheesecake judge for The Gospel Coalition, will continually write nine things about so many things all the time and we will read all of them and be happy about it. He will write on deviated septums and Hulk Hogan. He will tell us why it is probably maybe a sin to remain standing while we say the Pledge of Allegiance. He will TGC’splain all kinds of wonderful things with lists of nine and we cannot wait.
6. Cavities are officially going “buh-bye” for Lutherans. Lucky Lutherans.
7. Get used to seeing all of your deacons wearing jumpsoles this year. Jumpsoles are the world’s most popular plyometrics frontal training platforms which attach to your own shoes. By training with Jumpsoles your deacons will build up important fast twitch muscle fibers in the lower leg. Jumpsoles will finally increase their vertical jump 5 to 10 inches,
8. The under-appreciated Salad Man will finally receive his due.
