Ted Cruz: “My Sims Family Is Being Killed Off By Giant Swarms Of Bees”

I am most happy when I am sitting at my desk, drinking a Dixie cup overflowing with root beer, eating a heaping pile of pancakes, and playing with my...

I am most happy when I am sitting at my desk, drinking a Dixie cup overflowing with root beer, eating a heaping pile of pancakes, and playing with my The Sims family: the Jeffersons. This is my “Me time.” This is where I can be Teddy Cruz again, not a politician. This is where my abnormally large heart overflows with gladness.

Ja’maica, Grant, Tatyana, and Linda Jefferson were living the good life in their own little The Sims world. I was at the controls. I was the captain of their fate. I lived and died with every job loss, every pants-wetting episode, every death, and every birth. The Jeffersons were not like politics. No, they were consistent, genuine, impartial, and beautiful. It is crashing down around me, however. Life as I have known it for years is on the brink of disaster. 

Bees are killing all of them, one by one.
Every time I load up the game, I am preparing my mind for what comes next: new job opportunities, potential relationship issues, money trouble. I am also having to prepare for killer bees that enter into the Jefferson’s home, swarm each one of my loved ones, and sting them to death. 

Ja’maica Jefferson died after becoming CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Little Linda Jefferson constantly cries and hasn’t eaten for days because she is trapped in the bathroom. I married Tatyana off to a man named Steele who lives across the street. He is a garbage man, but at least his home isn’t infested with bees. She is safe.

Grant is still living, but only because I have built walls around him. His tiny, four by four room has a disgusting puddle of urine on each tile. Life is miserable for him, but at least he hasn’t been stung to death like Ja’maica. 

These killer bees have not only ruined the Jefferson’s lives, but my life as well. I am not the man I used to be: full of vim and vigor, ready to tackle the next challenge.

I guess you could now say that I am dealing with my own killer bees: Burns, Bleakness, and Breakdowns.

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