10 Ways To Prove To Your Church That You’re Totally Fine With Being Single 

"Arrive with ashes on your head, leave while pouring out all kinds of oil all over the church."

Your singleness can become a giant strain on your church family. Year after miserable year, your friends and family will try to match you up with a variety of interesting characters that are absolutely not marriage material. Put and end to it! Here are ten ways to prove to your church that you’re cool with being single.

1. Leave A Long Trail Of Purity Rings Behind You As You Meander Through The Church Building

Your trail of purity rings will paint a beautiful portrait for everyone: you are content to remain single for the rest of your life. Because of those buckets and buckets of rings that you have emptied out behind you from the entrance, to your Sunday School, to your pew —  everyone will acknowledge with one voice that no matter what happens, you view your singleness as an asset to your ministry.

2. Never Speak A Declarative Sentence To Your Fellow Church-Goers

By rejecting declarative sentences whole-sale, your church body will acknowledge and agree that you are totally fine without a significant other.

3. Rent A Clown Of The Opposite Gender And Publicly Rebuke Him Or Her During Worship Time

This poor clown will feel your wrath, but you will leave a lasting impression on your brothers and sisters: “I am okay being single.”

4. Arrive For Sunday School Covered In Sacloth And Ashes, But Leave The Church Pouring Oils Of Gladness All Over The Place

You feel what we’re laying down — arrive with ashes on your head, leave while pouring out all kinds of oil all over the church. We don’t even care what oil you choose, just do this and you’ll never be bothered again by some jerk who wants to match you up with someone totally not your type.

5. Respectfully Clap After Any Mention Of The Words “One,” “Single,” “Self,” or “Only,” Along With Their Cognates

This will reinforce your stance on singleness.

6. Tatoo 1 Corinthians 7 Onto The Tops Of Your Hands

The font will have to be very small. Our friend Milt Ja’Crispy tried this and it basically just looks like a giant glob of black ink, but it is effective.

7. Bring A Single Bowl Of Soup For Yourself At The Next Church Potluck

You don’t need someone else to make soup for you.

8. Blow “The Airhorn Of Contentment” While Being Introduced To Someone Of The Opposite Gender

Letting out a long toot from “The Airhorn of Contentment” will demonstrate to everyone within a half-mile radius that you do not need anyone.

9. Attempt A Reboot Of Nickelodeon’s Legends Of The Hidden Temple

Legends of the Hidden Temple is an American action-adventure game show that aired from 1993 to 1995 on Nickelodeon. The program centered on a temple that was “filled with lost treasures protected by mysterious Mayan temple guards.” Kirk Fogg was the host and served as the teams’ guide, while Dee Bradley Baker announced and voiced a talking Olmec who “knows the secrets behind each of the treasures in his temple”. Six teams of two children (one boy and one girl) competed to retrieve one of the historical artifacts in the temple by performing physical stunts and answering questions based on history, mythology, and geography.

10. Hand Out Mixtapes Of Names You Have Compiled Of Handsome Men Or Women That You Most Certainly Will Not Be Pursuing For Courtship

Phillip, Prescence, Ranquid, Philopia, Trantishion, Clad, Glad, Morstin, Forsh, and Orphan will certainly be included within this mixtape.

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