Humble Beginnings: The Day The Bee Was Born

"He was done, and he had changed Internet.com forever."

Everything is changing around us. Old political divisions are shifting; technology is bringing us closer. Hospitals are getting tinier and darker, and Eugene Peterson can’t decide if he wants coleslaw or baked beans with his meals anymore. Donald Trump Jr. is getting older and older. Life is truly coming at us fast.

“But satire, ever moral, ever new,
Delights the reader and instructs him, too.
She, if good sense refine her sterling page,
Oft shakes some rooted folly of the age.”

–Nicolas Boileau-Despreaux

Last year, www.internet.com changed forever when The Babylon Bee plopped its hilarious content right into that enormous void. Yes, you know this already, but we will shout it from the roof tops until we get arrested for disturbing the peace: The Incredible Babylon Bee is a satirical Christian website that was created by the always-svelt Adam Ford, former host of the ABC television documentary Who’s Been Sleeping in My House? The Bee was launched March 1, 2016, and, since its launch, has changed the way we think about “websites,” “funny,” “satire,” and “Christianity.”

The HTML address receives between 1 million and 2 million unique visitors every month. How did The Bee ascend to these heights? We spoke to seven people who were there the day Adam Ford experienced heavy labor, squatted behind a computer, and finally gave birth to Christian satire.

7:00 AM: Glimmers of Greatness

Dinesh D’Souza (Political Commentator): When I walked into Adam’s home to eat some of his food and drink some of his water, he definitely had a twinkle in his eye. Something was different. I had barged into his home before to scarf down some of his waffles, beef, and cheese, but I could sense he was on the verge of birthing something truly great. He was wearing a sweat-stained headband, several watches, and a big, fat, gold belt, which isn’t normal for him. I took his watches from him, grabbed his headband, removed his golden belt, and placed all of these accessories on my own body. All of the single-line screen-savers on his computers had what appeared to be long satirical stories. I could tell this was going to be a different day in the Ford household, and I was privileged to be there.

Kyle Mann (Head Writer For The Bee): It was a day like any other day. Dinesh D’Souza and I entered the Ford household through the bathroom window like we always do, walked into the hallway, and there he was. He was just sitting Indian-style on the floor, sweating, and in obvious turmoil. This was not going to be an ordinary day after all.

Reince Priebus (White House Chief of Staff): After I cracked the code and entered Adam Ford’s big, wet garage that morning, I could tell this day was going to be a special one. Someone, probably Adam, was on the precipice of absolute greatness. It was our job to make sure he could push out whatever incredible idea was deep inside of him. We knew our roles.

Corey Dreads-Beeper (Casual Observer): Adam’s groaning and retching began at 6 PM the night before, and, as disturbing as that was, I had to be there when he gave birth to the greatness. Standing in Adam’s front yard all night was exhausting, I’ll admit, but it was worth it. I just had no idea he was giving birth to a satirical, Evangelical website with an obvious Reformed flavor to it. Then 7 AM rolled around and Reince, Kyle, and Dinesh broke into his house.

Adam Ford (Founder Of The Bee): By 7 AM, the concept in my head was obviously beginning to crown. I had spent weeks typing cute Christian satire into one line screen-savers. Each of my twenty Dell desktop computers had an article scrolling across the screen, and my clapping turned into jumping, which morphed into several smiles, which eventually led to full-blown labor that morning. If Kyle, Dinesh, and Reince hadn’t barged into my home and eaten most of my food,  The Babylon Bee would’ve been very difficult to deliver.

9:00 AM: Here Comes The Bee

Jackie Hill-Perry (Spoken Word Artist): Things were getting very real, and I am just glad I was a part of it. While having intense contractions, Adam Ford IM’d me on Yahoo! Messenger and said, “Here Comes The Bee.” I had never met Adam, nor did I have any clue what he meant by that. Though I was in the middle of recording The Gospel Coalition’s beautiful theme song “Let’s Get Nuanced” with Justin Taylor and Lionel Messi, I set down my headphones and stomped on them over and over. The sound man said, “Hey, Miss Hill-Perry, why did you do that?” I then unscrewed the mic and threw it into some glass, which shattered all over him. After that, I wrote, “Here Comes The Bee” in permanent marker all over the walls of the studio. This day changed our lives forever.

Lionel Messi (Soccer Star): After an hour, Hill-Perry finished writing “Here Comes The Bee” all over the walls in permanent marker. We got into her car and sped over to Adam’s house. I couldn’t stop thinking about what was taking place. Internet.com and Internet.net was going to change forever, and so were our lives.

11:30 AM: Brainstorms

Kyle Mann: Adam writhed, gurgled, and foamed. It was terrifying and magical at the same time. Then it happened: Dinesh screamed, “Youth Pastor Prepares Message: ‘Jesus Is The Real Rogue One.’” We were off.

Jackie Hill-Perry: I couldn’t believe Dinesh yelled that. I giggled a little, threw water in his face, and then giggled again.

Reince Priebus: When Dinesh shouted that title, we were all a little frightened, to be completely honest. After Jackie threw water in his face, I slapped him continuously for one minute. Then I lost all control and stood up.

Dinesh D’Souza: “Retired Sniper Finds Work Picking Off Hand-Raisers At Baptist Church.” That’s what Reince shouted after his slapping-spree. We were really rolling now, but Adam was in too much agony to notice because he was busy squatting in front of a computer trying to give birth to The Bee.

3:00 PM: Birthday

Lionel Messi: As I reflect on the afternoon, it just sort of built and built and built. The crescendo was coming and we all knew it. Dinesh and Reince were suffering from several bouts of anaphalactic shock; Kyle kept opening cans of Adam’s tuna and hiding them all over the house; We all took turns shouting title after title, with perfect comedic-timing — It was all truly happening. We were going to change the way everyone looks at “Christians,” “humor,” “blogs,” and “websites.” The excitement was reaching its peak, and Adam was finally pushing out The Babylon Bee.

Jackie Hill-Perry: I looked over, and there he was: squatting behind his computer and giving birth to The Bee. He was typing vigorously and he let his voice alternate between siren noises and the bass line to My Girl by the Temptations. I could tell we had something.

Dinesh D’Souza: All of us walked over to Adam and helped him in any way we could. He was in excruciating pain, but it would all be over soon At one point, I placed my cold hand on the mouse and allowed Adam to verbally direct where I should click. Kyle clapped out the syllables of every word Adam typed. Adam took one more deep breath, and he was done. He had officially birthed The Bee.

Corey Dreads-Beeper: They were live. As I stood and watched from Adam’s front lawn, ate all of his garden vegetables, and removed large chunks of sod, I could see the relief in all of their eyes, especially Adam’s. He finally left that squatting position and let his body conform to the kitchen floor. He was done, and he had changed Internet.com forever.

The Babylon Bee continues to break records and change lives, and we, the consumer, have people like Reince, Lionel, Jackie, Dinesh, Kyle, and Corey to thank. Now, when we surf the World Wide Web, we are “stung” by a magnificent satire site birthed by Adam Ford himself. 

This was their story, and The Daily Cherub is proud to report it. 

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