Well, well, well: your big fat church finally got that reverend you’ve always wanted. He seems pretty down to earth, but WOW! he wears plenty of hats and scarves. Before you get too excited, make sure you execute these seven things immediately upon his hiring to make his and your church’s transition as smooth as possible.
1. Try to make him feel comfortable and at home while you measure his waste size and check his scalp for ticks every Sunday after the service.
2. Point out Orion’s Belt every night for a week but don’t be too elitist about it. Tone it down.
3. Assertively introduce him to your twin sons Rolfe and Tanzy.
4. Put his number into your contacts as “Chick-Fil-A Chester” and assign the “By The Seashore” ringtone to it.
5. Watch him ride a horse for a while and see if he’s cool about it. Take notes. Or not. Who cares?
6. Ask him if he brought his own traffic cones.
7. Set a fine mound of freshly-churned butter onto his pulpit every Sunday morning.