Abandon all hope in us, and let spine-tingling dread overwhelm you. We’re not going to sugar-coat this one: there are a number of television dads that we haven’t thought about for a while, and they deserve some sort of recognition.
For this, we are sorry. Not thinking about these television dads for a while is pathetic — an awful blunder. We have let our fans down, and we regret this transgression with all of our hearts. We have not been true to our values and the behavior our people deserve. We are not without faults, and we are far short of perfect.
We acknowledge that a simple post on The Daily Cherub will not atone for this foolish mistake, so we do not expect to receive the forgiveness of these important men or our fans. Please allow us the courtesy to compile a small list of TV dads on this chilly, dark night.
1. Homer Simpson. Scream your lungs out with anger. We get it. But we sat and thought about TV dads for a bit and Homer popped into our heads. Homer isn’t a great TV dad, as he choked his son all the time and had a habit of picking up dead cats. Even though he had his faults, we’d like to apologize for not thinking of Homer more.
2. The Dad from Even Stevens. Not really sure of his name, maybe Rick (?), but we thought of this TV dad today. There is no excuse, Dad from Even Stevens. Truly embarrassing. We should of thought of you while doing presentations on market inefficiencies.
3. Hal from Malcolm in the Middle. It’s going to take a very skilled and patient person to forgive us. Thanks for being a TV dad, Hal. Sorry we haven’t thought about you more often. We’re bad people and we used poor judgment by not pondering you more.
4. Alan Thicke in every production he’s ever been in. Duh. No-brainer. We let the family of late Alan Thicke down by not thinking about him while shopping for marmalade at the grocery store or talking about him more with the cable guy. We are colossal morons who knows virtually nothing about honoring the legacy of these Hollywood giants.
5. The Dad from Stuart Little 2. The bottom line is this: we have been unfaithful to this important dad. We can’t remember this dad’s name, but remember that he was constantly dehydrated in the second installment of the Stuart Little franchise. We hurt a lot of different folks. All we can say is that we apologize.