Pastoral Power Rankings (6.23.17)

Whoa.

What an incredible and exciting time to be alive! The Pastoral Season has officially begun, and PPR is your trusted source for the latest news and pastoral rankings throughout the year. Simply breathtaking!

1. Mark Dever —

Mark Dever followed an extremely strong week with another one after reminding his congregation once again that he will be heading to space in the near future to find some blue space eggs. This was more than enough to keep him in the top spot this week, but he didn’t stop there. He churned his own butter while preaching through Ephesians chapter four and everyone was impressed. “He produced some of the best butter we’ve ever tasted,” Linda Filmonson said, a member of Capitol Hill Baptist of Washington D.C. “He produced so much yellow butter, and proved to us once again that he is worthy of our respect.”

2. Jared C. Wilson +1

Jared C. Wilson wore three ties around his neck last Sunday and received a three-minute standing ovation from his congregation. He also boldly and winsomely frightened a bear cub out of the church nursery.

3. John Piper +3

On Tuesday, Desiring God released all three men who were held hostage for allowing their wives to speak declarative sentences during a Bible study. Piper spent every-waking hour this week laying in a tanning bed. He was not tanning, but his arms received plenty of rest! He moves up 3 spots.

4. David Platt —

David Platt pumped his own gas this week, made an enormous amount of guacamole for his cousin Lemp, and rode several camels.

5. Matt Chandler -3

Matt Chandler was absolutely swarmed by hornets up on stage Sunday. He spent the entire 40-minutes of his sermon time running, spinning, and swatting at hornets. He drops three spots.

6. D.A. Carson -1

D.A. had another mediocre week after unsuccessfully herding cows (he lost them all). He was, however, able to paint a decent mural of Timothy Keller lifting weights near the TGC weight room.

7. John MacArthur +1

While one of his deacons prayed, John jumped up on the stage and grabbed the mic, interrupting with: “Yo, Kevin, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but Spurgeon had one of the best prayers of all time. One of the best prayers of all time!” He exerted his authority tastefully.

Powerful!

8. Albert Mohler +1

With Reince Priebus sleeping in Mohler’s garage indefinitely, Mohler is beginning to show signs of fatigue. While preaching a sermon on the suffering of Job, he tried his hand at jump rope and tripped repeatedly. He simply sat down with his head on his knees and quietly whistled. He falls to #8.

9. Timothy Keller -2

Timothy Keller attempted the breast stroke this week in front of a large group of children. He drank in lots of water and spit up later.

10. Ronnie Floyd 

The SBC has fined Ronnie Floyd $2,500 for shooting his paintball gun during the Convention this month.

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Pastoral Power Rankings
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