Pastoral Power Rankings (6.16.17)

Wow!

What an incredible and exciting time to be alive! The Pastoral Season has officially begun, and PPR is your trusted source for the latest news and pastoral rankings throughout the year. Simply breathtaking!

1. Mark Dever 

Mark Dever wrote some incredibly powerful tweets in all-caps during the Southern Baptist Convention this week. All of them had do with a majestic creature he had seen during a visit to the East Coast six months ago. “THESE ARE SOME GREAT WALES STEVE” he wrote, and, by God’s providence, it was posted one-hundred and eleven times to his Twitter account. Dever also squeezed into an orange space suit, blasted off into the great, black sea above our heads, and earnestly searched for a big dad gum egg on some planets. “There’s a big blue egg up there,” Pastor Mark told his congregation last month. “Don’t know what’s in it — could be some nasty space people, could be some salt water taffy –but I am going to fine a big, dad gum egg.”

It’s hard to keep Dever out of the one spot to start the Pastoral Season.

2. Matt Chandler 

When tennis pro Roger Federer accidentally sped through a stop sign, a calm Matt Chandler talked to a bunch of cops and they drove away. He also chased away “Crab Boy” from a church potluck. This has basically been a very heroic week for “Matt-tea Chandelier.” Number two it is.

3. Jared C. Wilson 

Wilson stumbled his way into a fine batch of granola after trying to cook up some tomato soup and grilled cheese for a hungry and disheveled Steve Buscemi. Close call, but this is exactly what we’ve come to expect from the handsome Jared C. This is precisely where he belongs. What a week!

4. David Platt

Despite his face’s boyish translucency, Mr. Platt stared into some reflective glass on and off for thirty-six hours this week.

5. D.A. Carson 

Though he fell asleep watching the Southern Baptist Convention live-stream and accidentally rebuked a man that looked like Mark Driscoll three times, D.A. had the most underrated moment this week. After riding a bicycle to his office and logging into Yahoo! Messenger, D.A. sent this incredibly humbling message to his friend list: “I played egg toss the other day. One trustworthy, faithful person threw eggs very softly to me and I tried to catch them with a spoon.”

6. John Piper 

Mr. Piper was forced to use a “Port-O-Potty” on Wednesday, but, because he had to commute thirty miles to use said toilet, his arms got a huge break this week. Number six is just right.

7. Timothy Keller 

Timothy Keller has one year left on his deal for just $6.2 million and will be an unrestricted free agent during the summer of 2018 if he doesn’t sign an extension with The Gospel Coalition. “We need the best possible player that’s gonna help us win, and I’m with that,” Keller said. “Anything D.A. and this organization need me to do to help bring even more talent to this city, I’m all for that.” Keller has joked in the past that he wants TGC to “bring out the Brink’s truck,” but it sounds like he will wait another year to give TGC as much financial flexibility as possible.

8. John MacArthur 

According to E! News, John MacArthur’s fashion show was “tragic” and “distracted” this week as all ten of the models wore the same shirt and pants. Guests griped on Twitter about the show’s late start and the excruciating bus ride from Manhattan to Sun Valley, California — which some likened to being kidnapped. “Most awful thing I have ever seen” R.C. Sproul tweeted, adding: “This is shameful and horrible and I regret coming.”

9. Albert Mohler 

Albert Mohler found Reince Priebus hiding in his garage, naked, hungry, and depressed. Mohler is exhausted: the man is looking after Reince, running Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, and churning out his wonderful podcast, The Briefing. Something has to give.

10. Ronnie Floyd 

Ronnie Floyd, megachurch pastor, wore a bandaid on his face this week without disclosing the medical condition that led to this decision. Many, many men have attempted to peel off the bandage, only to receive the “Diamond Cutter,” retired professional wrestler Diamond Dallas Page’s finisher move.

Awkward.

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Pastoral Power Rankings
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