Local Dad: What If Christians Lose All Of Their Binocular Privileges? 

"The decision belongs to you, brother or sister."

As Secularism and Islam continue to spread through our country like this unwelcome stain on my fresh dungarees, I can’t help but wonder: as a finely-mustached Christian Dad and avid bird watcher, what will I do if I lose all of my binocular privileges in prison? I fear this is where we are headed in our terrific, yet close-minded country. The “Deep State,” I worry, wants to confiscate our incredibly powerful binoculars for good.

These binoculars of mine have seen some beautiful sights. I stood in my decent kitchen and watched as two cardinals, one brown and one bright red, ate from my large bird feeder together, and took a warm bath in a birdbath together. As I observed their general lack of racism, tears streamed down my mustached face, across my neatly shaved neck, soaking my single-pocketed white t-shirt, which led me to holler and spin in circles for what seemed like twenty-minutes. I dialed all of my fellow Binocular Dads and told them about what had just taken place, and they purported, “Yeah, this is a normal thing for cardinals to do, since the brown one is the female and the red is the male.”

I was left speechless, and immediately shoved my adult twin sons Jerub and Tonnis into the car and took a drive in my Kia.

Upon returning home after six months walking the Bayou, I cut down all of our trees with an ax and vowed to never look at another bird, because those two disgraces had me fooled.

None of that would’ve been possible if I had been thrown into prison for my faith and my binocular privileges were completely taken away. For instance, if a man named Shabaz took my binoculars and confined me to a cement hole, I wouldn’t have been ready to help Reggie and Mildred with their marital issues. I watched for weeks as they fought and fought and fought, seemingly over small things like parachutes and friendly clowns (I couldn’t read their lips). If some dirty atheist handcuffed me and placed me in a small, moldy room, I wouldn’t have been able to see my favorite hawk catch and eat my least favorite squirrel.

My question to you, fellow Christians, is this: what will you do if they break into your piping hot cottage and take all of your binoculars?

Will you fight back? Will you move to another binocular-friendly country like Iceland or North Korea? Will you hide some spare binoculars in an underground wooden chest at 41 24.2028, 2 10.4418?

The decision belongs to you, brother or sister.

One more thing: if you come to my disgustingly warm domicile to take my binoculars, I will throw some of my broken ones at you and make you wish you’d never been born.

Sign up for The Weekly Cherub
Receive special offers, cast your beautiful gaze on updates, be automatically signed up for prizes, and enjoy the most popular posts of the week.