Every Christian 90’s Kid Remembers These Things

Heart-warming!

The 90’s were an incredibly special time for Christian youth. Lock-ins, cock-fighting, clever Christian t-shirts — those were the days. Here are twelves things every Christian 90’s kid remembers.

1. Michael W. Smith trespassing on your land just to serenade you with Friends are Friends Forever after ratting your family out to the Yakuza. 

I’m calling the police on you, M.W.S! You blew our cover!

 

2. Covering your arms, legs, and neck in WWJD bracelets and getting them caught on a musk ox’s fine, sturdy horn. 

You just wanted to make a statement! Yes, if you were a 90’s kid, the most annoying thing about wearing those WWJD bracelets was catching them on the musk ox’s fine horn during your church’s greeting time or a lock-in. As you were being dragged for several minutes, however, you had the presence of mind to think about the poem “Footprints.”

 

3. Trusting the band Relient K to give you insulin shots when it was “that time.” 

As lunch time drew nigh, you remember looking out the window into the parking lot, sincerely hoping Relient K would remember that it was their solemn responsibility to pump some insulin into your gross veins.

4. Climbing to the top of Mount Gasherbrum just to sit and think about the poem “Footprints.”

 

5. Climbing to the top of the flagpole during “See You At The Pole” just to sit and think about the poem “Footprints” some more. 

 

6. Counting all the times Bob the Tomato made passing reference to the assassination of JFK during a VeggieTales episode. 

 

“Remember kids, God wants you to love and obey him, even until the very end of your brittle lives. Your life could be snuffed out in an instant while riding in a parade one day too.”

7. Your parents tattooing an icthus or “fish symbol” on all of your public school friends’ secular faces.

Ugh, how embarrassing, amiright! You and Cherith simply wanted to play “Road Rash” on the Sega Genesis, but now he has to get a crudely-drawn tattoo that will take between four to five hours to complete. 

8. Getting mercilessly berated by Gerbert, who was clearly experiencing ‘roid rage at the time.

The “Humble Your Shorts” segment of “Gerbert” was gut-wrenching and direct, but you survived it — you were a 90’s kid!

 

9. Your parents taking turns pressing uncooked beef into your eyes while you were trying to watch Pokémon.

What was Charizard or Squirtle doing today? There was no way to know because your resilient parents stuffed a wad of ground beef into your eyes to keep you from participating in “The Witch’s Fantasy.”

 

10. The lonely “Spaghetti Man” showing up to Vacation Bible School year after year to fling his saucy noodles.

He just wanted some attention.

 

11. Pledging to the Christian Flag while “Spaghetti Man” is trying to get some of his luke-warm spaghetti into your mouth.

Nobody gave him the attention he wanted, so he had to settle for negative attention. You mostly just ignored the big galoot. 

 

12. Trying everything the “Power Team” did at home, only to be visited by “The Death Angel” from Touched By An Angel.

THEY SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO TRY BLOWING UP HOT WATER BOTTLES WITH YOUR OWN PERSONAL LUNGS. This one’s on you.

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