We Can’t Get Over How Amish President Trump’s Speech Was

President Trump addressed a joint session of Congress this Tuesday night in what many are considering the most Amish speech in presidential history.

President Trump addressed a joint session of Congress this Tuesday night in what many are considering the most Amish speech in presidential history. 

What at first seemed like a casual reference or two to “America’s Bearded Farm Folk” soon became an all-out Amish love fest that we just cannot wrap our fleshy, domesticated minds around.

In case you missed it, here are some highlights of the most Amish parts of Trump’s Speech that we cannot get over:

Bringing out a wooden barrel and paddle so Paul Ryan can demonstrate how to churn butter

In an unprecedented move, Trump took five minutes of his speech to request that Speaker of the House Paul Ryan take center stage and show members of Congress, as well as the American people, how to churn butter. Trump proceeded to narrate the entire process while Ryan churned away for several minutes before returning to his seat.

“Make American roads safe for the horse and buggy again!”

Trump used this phrase not just once but sixteen different times throughout his speech. Whenever Trump worked the crowd into a wild frenzy of applause, he would yell out what became the catch phrase of his address. This increased the moist delirium and glee of his spectators. President Trump never took the time to explain this mantra, but he made it very clear that making roads safe for Amish Taxis is something he intends to do.

Describing his foreign policy in “Amish-speak”

One of the most controversial moments in the President’s speech was his insistence on making his foreign policy clear and understandable for “all of my Amish supporters.” Trump proceeded to explain his policy in what he referred to as “Amish-speak,” talking about how our allies, or “friends who help build international barns,” need to be supported, and that countries like Iran and North Korea, or “the world’s corn thieves,” need to be dealt with in a stern fashion. Trump also went on to explain the delicate nature of Russian relations in a long and confusing analogy about the dangers of using technology and electricity.

Growing a beard

We first thought the lighting on President Trump’s face was casting a shadow on his jowls, but we were wrong! The growing darkness on Trump’s face soon erupted into a full, dark beard with he inexplicably grew during the process of delivering his speech. Wow!

Having “Ezekiel” and “Zedekiah” end the speech

Growing a beard was not the end of Trump’s surprises. At the end of his speech, two clearly Amish men were invited up to Trump’s side. He insisted that they finish his speech for him. 

Although these men, who referred to themselves as “Ezekiel” and “Zedekiah,” likely had wonderful things to say, we were too busy trying to wrap our soft, oily minds around Amish-Trump’s speech. They went largely Ignored.

It is safe to say that Trump is playing it cool towards his Amish constituency.


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