Lent is the time of year when you let everybody know you no longer do something that you did before. This process makes everybody happy, as they get to hear you throw in pointless comments about what you don’t do anymore into almost every worthwhile conversation they have.
If you are new to lent, it can be intimidating to know what type of things you should stop doing and how to let everyone know about it. That’s why we’ve developed this helpful guide to get you on the path to interrupting perfectly casual conversations with needless information about what you no longer do.
1. Find something interesting about yourself that you can give up
Most Catholics choose to give up one of their favorite things, like a food or some sort of entertainment for lent. However, you don’t want to just give anything up. Ask yourself, “How many conversations can I interrupt with the fact that I no longer make forts out of canned foods in my living room?” If the answer is “Almost all conversations,” you know you’re on to something.
2. Proceed to give that thing up
Yes, no longer petting your children’s bellies after ever meal or putting toothpaste on your ears before bed so you can wake up with crisp, fresh ears is hard to do. But it’s even harder to dominate every verbal human interaction you run across if you cannot offer unsolicited anecdotes about stuff you don’t do now that it is Lent times. You must gather the inner fortitude to stop carrying crackers in your back pockets so you can hear a comforting crunch every time you sit.
3. Find conversations
This may seem like an obvious or easy step, but it is a crucial one nonetheless. Now that you no longer carry around an unplugged guitar controller for the game Guitar Hero and play along to songs that you whistle with your mouth flaps, you must find conversations you can interrupt by letting fellow humans notice your guitar is gone. Keep an eye out for people who are moving their mouths, facing another person, and making vocal noises.
4. Let it rip
OK, so you found some people exchanging information in a casual and vocal fashion. Now is the time to let them know you’ve stopped wearing two watches on each wrist so you know what time it is in each state on the continental USA. You can try working the thing you gave up for lent into conversation casually, but we highly recommend you just blurt it out immediately. People love to hear what other people are giving up for lent!
5. Keep it up
Consistency is key. You will be tempted to let other people have their own conversations without informing them you stopped making loud beeping sounds with your mouth when you drive in reverse. Don’t give in to this sad, sloppy temptation. The goal of lent is to let everyone know that you can now fall asleep without holding your own hand before they stop talking to somebody else.
There you have it. You are now ready for lent season.