We Asked Doug Wilson 6 Valid Questions, And He Answered Them With Gusto

"I was not aware that I was writing things until last year."

In “Six Valid Questions” we ask popular Christian personalities six totally valid and acceptable questions that you most likely wanted to ask but couldn’t because they do not respond to blog comments or your constant emails and voicemails. Today we interviewed to Douglas Wilson, Evangelical theologian, Pastor at Christ Church in Moscow, Idaho. He also writes for “Blog and Mablog,” and trains dolphins in his spare time.

The Daily Cherub: Doug, thanks for stopping by. We can’t wait to get started with some extrememly valid questions.

Doug Wilson: My beeper went off several times throughout the night. I thought this was an emergency. I don’t know how you found my beeper number — I haven’t used it in years. It has been collecting dust on the top shelf of my bedroom closet for decades.

TDC: Glad you’re here. First question: What was it like losing your last baby tooth?

DW: I was at WrestleMania with my dad as an eleven-year-old. My Pep-Pep stood right on the seats in front of us, probably blocking most people’s view, and thrust his leathery hand into my mouth. He found the evil tooth, and used two of his good adult teeth to pry it out. This was completely unprovoked. I had not said anything at all regarding this loose, demonic tooth. I remember hearing lots of “boo’s” and unhappy whistles during the entire episode, but once that tooth came out, I said my first word: “Daddy.” It was an emotional moment for everyone involved, which were just my Dad and I since the crowd just wanted to see some muscular men in underwear throw one another against the ceiling high-above.

TDC: Thanks Doug. If Reformed, celebrity pastors participated in a Royal Rumble in which the losers can only publish positive Charles Finney biographies for the rest of their lives, who would win, and why?

DW: Yes, this is a beautiful question and here are several gold doubloons for your efforts.

TDC: Thank you, and I know that we are a reputable website and deserve all the accolades.

DW: Matt Chandler is young and robust, but he is not formidable in the ring. He grew up in a house made up of the skulls of Aztec men. Perhaps he could throw Trevin Wax, Francis Chan, and Justin Taylor out with relative ease, but that’s as far as he would get. As soon as James McDonald gets ahold of him, it’s “Goodnight Texas.” My money’s on Platt or Tim Challies. They are wirey, have legit “street cred” with the gangs, and have all of their vaccinations.

TDC: What is the strangest animal you’ve ever ridden?

DW: I’ve never ridden on an animal, so does an Ice Troll count?

TDC: Sure. Why didn’t Wilt Chamberlain win more than two NBA Championships? Lack of focus? No killer instinct? Nobody to help him?

DW: After winning his first title in ’67, he was more focused on getting the assists title than rings. Chamberlain was notorious for caring more about stats than actually winning. Wilt was, in my honest opinion, selfish, and he cared too much about achieving interesting personal stats than putting everything he had into winning.

TDC: Why do you blog?

DW: I was not aware that I was writing things until last year. For the longest time, I just liked the clicking noises my big metal symbol-creator made. So many cool symbols, with so many combinations. These interesting symbols were being glued right onto a square piece of glass every time I made my round fingers touch a tapper down below. What a rush! Someone told me last year that I had been publishing my symbol creations onto an enormous bulletin board for everyone to see. I even make people mad sometimes with my art.

TDC: Who is the most famous person you’ve ever seen fall into a large decorative fountain?

DW: Reince Priebus.

TDC: That’s six questions. Thank you for your time, Douglas.

DW: Anytime.

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