Pastor Jeremy Highland of Toledo Baptist Church entered the pulpit last Sunday beaming with confidence and a new sense of purpose. The reason for his new-found pizzaz-levels? Was it a new haircut? Was it a new set of commentaries? No: it was his tastefully subtle cumberbun.
The Cumberbunned Pastor’s one-hundred and fifty member congregation hit a low-point in his ministry, his close friends told The Daily Cherub. His sermons were dry, his clothes were plain, and his abdomen was bare and cold. Jeremy seemed to be on his last leg after nearly twenty decent years of ministry at TBC.
“For years, Jeremy would walk up to the pulpit cringing and groaning, almost as if he was reading an article from Christianity Today. His voice would crack incessantly while he swayed back and forth, like he was in a canoe or something,” his wife Judy told us.
“He tried extremely large bow ties and microscopic bow ties. He brought several suits and changed into them on stage to see if they helped his melencholy mood. Nothing improved his pizzaz-levels.”
That’s when he found “The Bun.”
“Dad found ‘The Bun’ and everything changed,” remarked his son, Hugbarth. He ordered it through ebaumsworld.com, and when it came in the mail, he firmly but lovingly pushed all of us at once into the nearest dumpster to get a headstart to the mailbox. He opened it up, and there it was: his shiny cumberbun. He’s been a new Dad ever since.”
“A handsome, new Cumberbun-Dad.”
Jeremy Highland has enjoyed manifold blessings from his new cumberbun, but perhaps the greatest improvement brought about by the threads can be found in his preaching. “He preaches with vim and vigor,” Remarked Toby Brankpants, a member of TBC for thirty-three years.
“Before, he almost never challenged his mortal enemies to a boxing match on stage during his sermon. Now he fights everyone and wins!”