6 Times The Babylon Bee Got Way Too Real

"I saved your life. I want the gun."

The Babylon Bee’s rapier wit has become an institution for Evangelicals with a sense of humor and a basic love for pictures of bees. Here’s a look at all the times that The Babylon Bee got so real that we took a karate class and got brown belts, demonstrated our newly acquired skills in front of the Queen of England, learned Powerpoint, and wept uncontrollably.

1. In a gut-busting article about Joel Osteen finding lots of broccoli and ground pepper in his veneers, the author wrote an extremely emotional plea.

“For four years, I treated that boy like my own son. Whether he needed a pat on the head or a kick in the pants, I was there for him. I worked my butt off trying to keep him in line. And yet, it’s come back with a vengeance. I have done everything for Will. Suddenly, it’s like none of that matters. I can’t believe he could be so selfish.”

2. A January post on emotionally-juvenile worship leaders led to an incredibly raw moment for the writers at The Babylon Bee.

“I just wish I hadn’t wasted my money buying this stupid present. You know what, you ain’t got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. It ain’t like I’m still five-years-old. Ain’t like I’ll be sitting up every night asking my mom: ‘When’s Daddy coming home?’ Who needs him? He wasn’t there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, and I got pretty good at it too. Yeah. Got through my first date without him. I learned how to drive. I learned how to shave. How to fight. I had fourteen great birthdays without him. He never even sent me a card. I didn’t need him then and I don’t need him now. You know what, Uncle Phil? I’m gonna get through college without him. I’ll get a great job without him. I’ll marry a beautiful honey, have a bunch of kids and be a better father than he ever was. I don’t need him for that, because there ain’t a thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids. How come he don’t want me, man?”

3. In a September 2016 post titled “Jim Bakker Opens Restaurant For Cockroaches,” an obviously shaken BB writer dropped a truth-nugget. 

“You just don’t get it, do you? No map is going to save you, and neither is your glee club or your fancy Bel-Air address or who your daddy is. When you’re driving in a nice car in a strange neighborhood none of that matters. They only see one thing. Maybe growing up where you did has made you a little touchy but l think you’ve blown this thing out of proportion.”

4. Death was on the brain of The Babylon Bee as they snuck this little ditty in a recent post about a farting priest.

“Look, I don’t wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay? There’s gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose. Not my father! Everybody’s father! Except mine because I don’t know where he is! You don’t understand, Will.”

5. In the middle of an article on micro-agressing Millennials defending an ISIS stronghold, the writer nuked us with some deep thoughts about drugs.

“I mean, I had basketball practice, and I had finals, and everything and one of the guys at school just offered me some stuff to help me stay awake. And then Carlton, look, all I know is that somebody real close to me that I love a whole lot could be dead right now and it would be all my fault.”

6. “Vaping Youth Pastor Vapes So Much Vape” included a really real moment in the first paragraph and we were STUNNED.

“I saved your life, man. I saved your life. You owe me! Now, give me the gun, Carlton. Give me the gun. I saved your life. I want the gun.”

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