6 Times The Babylon Bee Got Way Too Real

"I saved your life. I want the gun."

The Babylon Bee’s rapier wit has become an institution for Evangelicals with a sense of humor and a basic love for pictures of bees. Here’s a look at all the times that The Babylon Bee got so real that we took a karate class and got brown belts, demonstrated our newly acquired skills in front of the Queen of England, learned Powerpoint, and wept uncontrollably.

1. In a gut-busting article about Joel Osteen finding lots of broccoli and ground pepper in his veneers, the author wrote an extremely emotional plea.

“For four years, I treated that boy like my own son. Whether he needed a pat on the head or a kick in the pants, I was there for him. I worked my butt off trying to keep him in line. And yet, it’s come back with a vengeance. I have done everything for Will. Suddenly, it’s like none of that matters. I can’t believe he could be so selfish.”

2. A January post on emotionally-juvenile worship leaders led to an incredibly raw moment for the writers at The Babylon Bee.

“I just wish I hadn’t wasted my money buying this stupid present. You know what, you ain’t got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. It ain’t like I’m still five-years-old. Ain’t like I’ll be sitting up every night asking my mom: ‘When’s Daddy coming home?’ Who needs him? He wasn’t there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, and I got pretty good at it too. Yeah. Got through my first date without him. I learned how to drive. I learned how to shave. How to fight. I had fourteen great birthdays without him. He never even sent me a card. I didn’t need him then and I don’t need him now. You know what, Uncle Phil? I’m gonna get through college without him. I’ll get a great job without him. I’ll marry a beautiful honey, have a bunch of kids and be a better father than he ever was. I don’t need him for that, because there ain’t a thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids. How come he don’t want me, man?”

3. In a September 2016 post titled “Jim Bakker Opens Restaurant For Cockroaches,” an obviously shaken BB writer dropped a truth-nugget. 

“You just don’t get it, do you? No map is going to save you, and neither is your glee club or your fancy Bel-Air address or who your daddy is. When you’re driving in a nice car in a strange neighborhood none of that matters. They only see one thing. Maybe growing up where you did has made you a little touchy but l think you’ve blown this thing out of proportion.”

4. Death was on the brain of The Babylon Bee as they snuck this little ditty in a recent post about a farting priest.

“Look, I don’t wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay? There’s gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose. Not my father! Everybody’s father! Except mine because I don’t know where he is! You don’t understand, Will.”

5. In the middle of an article on micro-agressing Millennials defending an ISIS stronghold, the writer nuked us with some deep thoughts about drugs.

“I mean, I had basketball practice, and I had finals, and everything and one of the guys at school just offered me some stuff to help me stay awake. And then Carlton, look, all I know is that somebody real close to me that I love a whole lot could be dead right now and it would be all my fault.”

6. “Vaping Youth Pastor Vapes So Much Vape” included a really real moment in the first paragraph and we were STUNNED.

“I saved your life, man. I saved your life. You owe me! Now, give me the gun, Carlton. Give me the gun. I saved your life. I want the gun.”

Categories
Life
Sign up for The Weekly Cherub
Receive special offers, cast your beautiful gaze on updates, be automatically signed up for prizes, and enjoy the most popular posts of the week.

RELATED BY