We Asked David Platt 6 Valid Questions, And He Answered Them Earnestly

Extremely valid!

In “Six Valid Questions” we ask popular Christian personalities six totally valid and acceptable questions that you most likely wanted to ask but couldn’t because they do not respond to blog comments or your constant emails and voicemails. Today we talked to David Platt, President of the International Mission Board and author of Radical and More Than One Way To Skin A Power Ranger.

The Daily Cherub: Hey David, nice to have you.

David Platt: Glad to be here. I will be eating lots of beef jerky while we talk.

TDC: That’s fine, I will be creating an Excel spreadsheet documenting your eating habits. Here’s my first question, handsome David. Do you get motion-sickness on carnival rides?

David Platt: I do not go to carnivals because my friend died after thinking about carnivals too much.

Once, however, while resuscitating two of my wounded seagulls, I entered into the great horror that is known as “motion-sickness,” or, as Scientists call it, “Wimpy Gut.”

I once had two healthy, happy seagulls that certainly did not have rabies or avian bird flu. Then, I bought two tickets to a St. Louis Cardinals game, expecting that my two brawny seagulls could come inside under a single stub. I was wrong. While being turned away from the ball park, my two priceless ‘gulls began to panic because I had tied the ropes too tightly around their necks. This resulted in them continuously banging into each other and children (mostly white). As they both lay lifeless on the cement, I hit three patrons with a baseball bat and began the process of performing mouth-to-mouth. It was right here that I experienced the motion-sickness that caused me to lose my half-digested polish sausage all over my half-dead ‘gulls. They survived, but are mainly confined to a wooden box we call “Ricky Town.”

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TDC: What was your favorite scene in the movie Homeward Bound?

DP: My favorite scene was when Sassy, the snobby cat born with three eyes and a propensity to swear, opens a can of beef and noodle soup with her paws and yells, “This is the beginning of the end Shadow. This can of beef and noodles will be my last meal before I go the way of the dinosaur. Deep under the ground I will go, buried underneath mounds of dirt and worms. Here I am Shadow, a simple, pleasant cat with no hope. I will die, and that will be that. I give you permission to harvest my meat and make a warm hat with my fur.”

TDC: What was your most recent nightmare?

DP: John Piper rolled me up in some carpet and put me in a huge storage shed behind his house. He kept whispering poems to try to calm me.

TDC: N’Sync or Backstreet Boys?

DP: BSB. They sold more records and have won more awards worldwide, and they didn’t have scary bobble head dolls made of themselves.

TDC: What is the most difficult thing about being famous?

DP: All the Waffle House gift certificates that get sent directly to my mailbox. There is simply no way I can spend all of these. It is my Hell on earth, a constant reminder that I cannot meet the expectations others set upon me. My darkest days are the times I sit in the “Waff House” and eat waffle after waffle, hoping all the cards will go away. But it is impossible. I am in chains, incapable of reaching my full potential and unlocking the door to freedom. “Can I get you anything else?” she asks. “Yes,” I respond with a faint heart. “I will take another waffle.” She then asks, “Can I warm up your coffee?” This is where I knock everything off my tiny, greasy table and weep for hours.

TDC: Sasquatch: Is he real, or nah?

It depends what you mean by “is,” “he,” “real,” “or” and “nah.”



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