We’ve seen them all. Those seemingly harmless, inspirational sayings that have seeped into our Christian verbiage like oil into carpet. They cover our refrigerators, bumpers and Facebook walls. They need to be taken out back and empoisoned. Here are eight of them:
1. “Satan gives my dad ‘Itchy Kisses.'”
That’s right, fellow Christians: blaming dad’s incessant, horrible scratching on the itchy kisses of the Devil is growing old. It’s time to put this to bed for good.
2. The verb “empoisoned.”
“Mom!” little Charlie says. “Dad received Lucifer’s ‘Itchy Kiss!'”
“Son,” Mother replies, “He has also been empoisoned with the dirty water of Lutheranism.”
This must stop.
3. “Which of my bloody handkerchiefs do you claim on this Lord’s Day.”
The bell rings, and it tolls for this Christian saying.
4. “Jesus fish-elax, Tony!”
When calming others from anxiety caused by “Satan’s Itchy Kisses,” this too often becomes our default response. No more!
5. “I have the right of way, the truth, and the life.”
Bury this please.
Seriously: make. it. stop.
7. “Romain lettuce is on sale at the corner market for $1.99 per kilo.”
It is difficult to sing during worship time with this blaring over the sound system.
8. “Wedge of Protection.”
This wedge. Enough of the wedge, fellow Christian.