In its latest effort to combat apostasy, the Vatican has issued a formal boil water advisory to parishioners world wide. Speculation has grown within the Catholic Church in the last three years regarding the quality and sanctity of drinking water reservoirs world wide. Many believe the earth’s water has been infected by “Satan’s germs” and other spiritual microbes.
“We’ve noticed that a high number of those who have left the church in recent years are water drinkers,” says Lorenzo Baldisseri, a Cardinal within the Church. “And they don’t boil that odorless liquid, they just chug it down like it’s the fermented grape tears of fellowship.”
Baldisseri believes that bringing the water, what he refers to as “the mother’s sap,” to a rich, crisp boil will remove the doubt-inducing and spiritually-destructive bacteria from the water, therefore making it safe to guzzle.
At the time this was being published the Vatican was also looking into preventing heresy-spawning rain showers.