1.Trying to restrain yourself as the entire 1993 Houston Rockets starting-five takes turns practicing their layups in the sanctuary.
They tell you that the sound of the 1993 Houston Rockets starting-five taking turns practicing their layups eventually becomes white-noise after a while. Not so. It’s still infuriating.
2. Eating fish at a fancy restaurant, only to have Morton the German Pelican snatch it from you.
Being a Lutheran isn’t all fun and games — in fact you’re mostly mad and disappointed all the time because you never get to enjoy fish in peace.
3. Twelve of the most handsome men in your congregatation sitting upon each other’s shoulders, wearing a big t-shirt, and forming a giant-sized replica of Martin Luther for “Reformation Day.”
Reformation Day makes our mouths wet with glee!
4. Reciting Luther’s Small Catechism while selling off your church’s vintage tractor collection to Jeb Bush.
Part of being a Lutheran means Jeb Bush gets to take all of those collectables off of your hands.
5. Feeling taken advantage of by Jeb Bush after he clearly rips you off.
Jeb Bush is the worst — you know that first-hand as a Lutheran.
6. Slathering bug-spray all over your body to ward off those mosquitos the Catholics keep releasing in your church building.
Your DEET-baths burn a little but its a small price to pay to keep Catholic mosquitoes at bay.
7. Being greeted at the communion table by a Dr. Phil body-double.
“How does that make you feel” somehow doesn’t have the same ring to it coming from a man who, from the back and side, looks somewhat like Dr. Phil but isn’t really him.
8. Holding up a sign during the church service to inform the rest of the congregation that you aren’t responsible for all the children getting lice in nursery.
Every Lutheran remembers holding up this sign.