This Handsome Man Will Delicately Nibble A Bird’s Head Off If Someone Doesn’t Sponsor A Child Already

Breaking News: Man in tree a threat to our avian friends!

A man in Clackamas, Oregon is holding a bird hostage and making violent threats.

Police arrived at the man’s home when neighbors complained of loud, booming Christian music, particularly that of Carman, and strange erratic shouting. Neighbors claim he was yelling something about sponsoring children and and sticking the noggin of a live bird in his crusty mouth.

When police arrived, they found thirty-eight year-old Red Furgussen in a tree  shirtless, shouting, and making threats toward a bird he gripped firmly in his hairy hand. Police accosted the deranged man, who has had a suspicious connection to an organization called World Vision. He was almost frantic, but eventually they were able to coax him out of the tree with saltine crackers and a saucer of milk.

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