It seems like only days ago since Focus on the Family founder and local funny man James Dobson publicly announced his campaign to bring the Crusades back into prominence within the minds and traditions of American families. “There’s a danger in forgetting history, and therefore repeating it,” says Jimmy Dobson. “Also, I once repeated the fifth-grade because I forgot some history. If I can keep some average Joe or Nancy from going through the pain I felt, I think this campaign is worthwhile. Therefore, I formally announce that the 5th Wednesday of every year shall mark the beginning of ‘Crusade Awareness Week!'”
Well, we heard J-Dob. We’re confused, but we heard him loud and clear. We are here to help you survive this week in style with these tips.
1. Remove all earthenware from your domicile.
You’ve been meaning to go pottery-free. There’s no time like the present.
2. Keep buckets filled with water around the house.
A band of knights and peasants may decide to surround your house, disrupt your water supply, and prohibit you and your family members from running to the nearest Foody Mart for supplies. These water buckets will allow your wife to keep her nightly routine of filling and standing in a basin with the “tasteless elixir of life” as she rearranges the bookshelves.
3. Go sleeveless whenever possible.
Removing one’s sleeves was a sign of surrender and submission during the Crusades. Rioters and Crusade reenactors will respect your decision to forgo any violent activities.
4. Refrain from using the phrase “Columbus, Columbus, we honor your seamanship!”
Crusade activists will be confused by such bold, callous claims. You are putting your family’s lives in danger.
5. Host a make-your-own-stencil party.
This is a good way to get to know your neighbors and extend the “right hand of cowardice” to those who wish you to use this week as an excuse to pillage your neighborhood.
6. Become a glue stick distributor
These things sell like hotcakes this time of year, and soon your pockets will be filled with “Pope Urban the Second Bucks.” These can be redeemed for livestock and jousting equipment at the local market.