Martin Luther is recognized as the man responsible for inspiring Protestantism and all of it’s vastly unique, savory flavors we enjoy today. However, few of us recognize him as the prophet who predicted the coming of the delicious, tastebud-massaging flavors of the Cheeto, “America’s Mouth Treat of Choice.”
Entire pages in Luther’s journals are dedicated to prophecies and predictions that plagued his lumpy, misshaped mind. Some of those predictions, like the making of various Pirates of the Caribbean movies and the “Spork,” are well documented and celebrated.
However, Luther also predicted the coming of a “cheesy, crunchy snack so addicting that men will hardly be able to put down these delectable treats in order to relieve themselves.” Luther also feared that “mothers would disregard their children as fleshy inconveniences who kept them from enjoying the addicting properties of the cheesy puffs to come.”
Although some critics accurately point out that Martin Luther never formally calls these future treats “Cheetos,” it’s hard to ignore his pinpoint predictions. Luther went so far as to say, “I imagine that such a treat would quickly and stealthily conquer the hearts of the people like a large, predatory cat pouncing upon a hapless victim in the African plains.” This is clearly a reference to the mascot of binge snacking, “Chester Cheetah.”
Those who deny Luther’s prophetic journal entries and ignore his cataclysmic predictions do so to their own, cheese-filled peril.