Good tidings! Oh, so you have your quill and ink ready, and you can’t think of how to write a hymn? We know, we can tell by that morose look on your face. Well, what fortune! We have some tips that will help you write the absolute perfect hymn! Why are you still making that face? Please smile. You’re worrying us.
1. Consider adding a harmony
Have you heard of a harmony? It’s where one choir man sings in a different pitch than that other choir man, yet it somehow sounds good. A good harmony is one that makes Martin go, “Yes, this is the ticket” every time he hears it. BONUS tip: Consider adding the harmony in the second verse to really make your song pop. They won’t expect it!
2. Use references like Lamb, Lion, Shepherd to really drive it home
We as homo sapiens love references to animals and animal caregivers. We’re natural-born suckers for them. If you have the bridge go something like, “I am a lamb and you are a shepherd, watch out for that lion over there for it might devour me since I am a small lamb and unable to fend for myself”, your audience will go haywire. Surefire success.
3. Write as many verses as possible
Look, this one is simple. If you write 11 verses to your hymn, congregations nationwide will have no choice but to sing all of them. By that 11th verse, let me tell you: there will be shouts and hollers! Everyone will respect your tenacity and diligence to think of 11 different ways to play out the song.
4. Add a clarinet solo
When was the last time you heard a clarinet solo and didn’t openly weep? This powerful lute of olden times will force strong, primal reactions from all who hear it. Might want to prepare yourself for possible gnashing of teeth.
5. Make sure no words rhyme
Everyone in the music industry knows that rhymes are strictly for pagan pop songs. Do not associate yourself from that wretched filth. You will only discredit your hymn and all who gaze upon it.
6. Dedicate it to a member of Jersey Boys
If you ignore the five steps above, please apply this step. You can’t ignore this one and expect to have a decent hymn. If you start your hymn with “This hymn is for the 2005 jukebox musical, dramatizing the success and eventual break-up of the 1960s rock and roll group, The Four Seasons”, you can expect it do to well. You can really make your hymn go full circle by the ending lyrics saying something to the effect of, “My favorite was Frankie Valli. I sure love his powerful falsetto voice.”
If you apply all of these tips, your hymn will be the cat’s pajamas. We don’t take that comparison lightly. Happy writing!