Tough guy, eh? Want to prove it to everyone in the congregation? We at The Daily Cherub have uncovered five ways that can really get your point across. Use at your own risk.
1. The Slow and Steady Approach
This one requires you to go up to each and every person in the congregation and personally tell them, “Hello, I have more strength in my body than you do. In fact, I have more than the entire congregation combined.” This will take a long time depending on how long your church is, but it will guarantee that every person is fully aware of your strength.
2. The All at Once Approach
This one takes guts. Hope you don’t have stage fright! Volunteer to do the morning announcements, and make the first thing you say once you walk up to the podium be, “I am pound-for-pound more muscly disciplined than everyone in this pleasant room. Thank you for your time.” If you can pull this off, you’ll save yourself a lot of time, and maybe respect from the oldest people in the room.
3. The Madman Approach
Every time someone is baptized during church, shout “POWER”. For added emphasis, make direct eye contact with the next-strongest member of the church to remind them that you are physically in control here.
4. The Chair Carry Approach
We all know that strength in churches is displayed by how many chairs you can carry in one trip. Put all of those naysayers to rest by carrying all of the chairs in one trip. This will remove all doubts that you are not the most powerful person in the church. Make sure you do some stretches in the morning and give your kitchen chair a practice lift to make sure you have the technique down.
5. The Desperate Approach
We don’t recommend this approach, but it needs to be mentioned because it is wildly successful. During the sermon, aggressively excuse yourself. Go outside and flip all of the vehicles in the parking lot. Spray paint all of the flipped vehicles with VIGOR or MIGHT to make your mark. Then, as soon as the last vehicle has been flipped and tagged, go back into the church and declare, “Hark! A real bull of a man has desecrated our automatic horse machines. Who is vigor and might, you ask? For I am he, and he is me.” Be prepared to shake many hands and listen to many tales after this exhibition.
We hope that at least one of these approaches hits home with you. Try one out sometime!