February 14th is celebrated nation-wide as a day of love, festivities, and heart-shaped antacids. But the shocking new details unearthed regarding Saint Valentine – the old, soggy Roman citizen who started this whole thing – indicated that this was not always the case.
Italian archeologist, Giuseppe Cogo, is a short, stout man who has very little interest in water polo. He’s also the tiny man behind the recent discovery of Saint Valentine’s original card shop, “Valentine’s Parchment Boutique.”
“It’s a musty, old shop hidden in a secret dungeon below the Colosseum,” said Cogo, the miniature man we mentioned previously. “Why Saint Valentine decided to sell his ‘Manuscripts of Friendship’ and ‘Scrolls of Endearment’ below the Colosseum is a mystery, but it looks like he did pretty well for himself. The interesting thing is that we didn’t find a single trace of any romantic or love themed cards, you know, the stuff you’d expect to see for Valentine’s Day. Apparently Saint Valentine only focused on making ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘Get Well” cards,” concluded the portly mini-man, Giuseppe Cogo.
Various “Get Well” cards found in Valentine’s dank, clammy shop wished the reader a “hearty healing from thine dysentery” or “I hope that thou shouldst lose no more limbs.” The birthday cards were more cheerful. One read “Wow! You made it to thirty-two. Time to get your will in place.” Another said “Happy 30th birthday, Grandpops!”
It is only fitting that we remember such a jovial, entrepreneurial man with helium filled flotation vessels and blood-pump shaped bon-bons.