Sad: John Hagee Still Can’t Keep His Mouth From Moving During His Ventriloquist Act

“I can’t keep my mouth from moving.”

The three-hour performance finally ended, and, as stout John Hagee wiped his brow and left the stage, there was clearly disappointment and some eggs he ate for breakfast on his grizzled face. “It didn’t go as well as I would have liked,” murmured “Blood Moons,” the nickname his closest friends have given him to razz him about his failure of a prophecy, The Four Blood Moons. “I can’t keep my mouth from moving.”

John Hagee has been practicing his craft for several months, hoping to see some improvement over time. Instead, he seems to be exactly where he began: awkwardly speaking with an open mouth as his puppet “Michael Jackson” is slated to speak. This isn’t where he hoped to be at this point and time.

“I tried my act out at church one Sunday morning in October. They were my ‘guinea pigs,’” Hagee laughed and then threw up. He then gathered himself, “They seemed to enjoy the show, but I know many of them probably felt like they needed to put on a a brave face and give me a show. It was basically a man talking while a dummy opened its mouth. I couldn’t keep my mouth closed like the greats: Jeff Dunham, former NBA star Ray Allen, and Turd Wilkerson. Maybe I should call it quits.”

Hagee is open to giving it a few more months of practice before throwing Michael Jackson into a fiery furnace, but he is beginning to realize that ventriloquism just may not be for him. 
“Perhaps my ventriloquism act is a metaphorical ‘Four Blood Moons,’” he grumbled, barely audible. “It just doesn’t exist and is wasting everyone’s time and money.”

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