We Finally Came Up With Four Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Listen To Rock ‘N Roll

Case closed.

“Rock ‘n Roll” has been evil for a long time, but nobody has been able to prove it once and for all. Well, place those Rock Albums in a Baby Bullet™, because here are four reasons why you shouldn’t listen to it:

1. The whooping sound of those weird guitars that plug into those black, noise-boxes made of the tears of your mother

Things that inexplicably sound like a truck-load of marbles spilling onto a stainless steel statue of Kim Jong-Il cannot be reverent. Allow the guitar-whooping into your home and you will receive an influx of “Satan’s Itchy Kisses.”

2. Those firm, shrill vocals sung by handsome men who’ve never read an ounce of Shakespeare or experienced the smooth sound of “Ricky Jazz-Jazz The Jazz Man”

Yelling, screaming, growling, panting, gyrating – whatever they are producing, it isn’t Ricky Jazz-Jazz. Just look at the structure of the human vocal cords: They’re not meant to be used that way. These gyrating bafoons might as well give their “V-Cords” away, because they’re ruining everything.

3. The tattered clothes they wear in order to mock my tattered clothes

Rock ‘N Roll moms and dads are known for wearing ripped and torn articles of clothing, being scantily-clad, or, in the case of “Sting,” not wearing any clothing at all to start every show. Humans have almost always worn clothing, and, sometimes, Ricky Jazz-Jazz The Jazz Man will wear too many clothes on stage.

4. Their song lyrics, regardless of content, cause a chemical reaction in my stomach which will in-turn make me throw-up all the crêps I ate for lunch

These evil, essentially pagan chants that Rock bands project are full of the filth. There’s also the common practice of “Back-masking” —  recording vocals backwards on a track. It is here that they speak of rebellion and their disdain for Ricky Jazz-Jazz The Jazz Man.

 

 

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