Joel Osteen at Lakewood Church fired off a piping-hot ballistic missile on Sunday, and we simply. Can. Not. Even.
The unarmed warhead shot up into the air and followed an elliptical path around the earth, coming to its apex at approximately seven-hundred and fifty miles above the earth’s surface. Even though the missile couldn’t possibly have exploded on impact, a smiling Osteen still told reporters he was crossing his boney fingers and hoping for the best.
“I’ve declared victory over this missile launch. It’s just a test, and it’s not nuclear — sad, I know — but think enough positive, clean thoughts and it’ll surely flatten the earth into a Mad Max-style apocalyptic wasteland, turning humans into glowy green goo,” the megachurch pastor said with doves emerging from his sleeves, before making noises like “BOOM” and “pew pew” with his fine mouth. “My round, beautiful mouth will be remaining perpetually open for the next several days, which will signal a job well-done.”
All the feels!
In dismal times like these, it’s great to finally hear a heartwarming story once in a while: go Lakewood!