You can’t help it. Every time you feast your weak, tender eyes upon one of these 80’s sitcoms, memories of your church usher come flooding into your mind, like that time you and your brother flooded the basement to see if mom’s wigs would float. They didn’t, but these memories will float your boat!
1. The Cosby Show
Every time Theo Huxtable prepared a large, circular plate of lunch meats, or “Huxtable Treats,” you remember how your usher passes around that round offering plate and threatens the cheaper givers in your church with a log of dry, rock-hard salami.
You’re suspicious that your church usher was the inspiration behind the beloved sitcom Alf. There’s no way the wrinkly snout, alien background, and uncontrollable taste for cats is a coincidence.
3. Punky Brewster
This one is obvious. Your church usher refers to himself as “Punky Brewster.”
4. Charles in Charge
He also refers to himself in the third person as “Charles” as he greets newcomers at the door. If you had a penny for every time you heard “Charles in charge” as you walked in the church, maybe you wouldn’t be beat by the old salami stick so often.
5. The Golden Girls
This one is inexplicable, but every time the Golden Girls theme song blares through your car stereo, your church usher’s gloomy, saggy face is seared into your consciousnesses yet again.
6. Growing Pains
Your church usher is Kirk Cameron.