Be Glad This Larry Guy Doesn’t Attend Your Youth Group

If you have a total of zero Larry Frantzels in your youth group, rejoice!

If you attend, lead, host, have adopted, or are involved with a Youth Group in any shape or form, and a total of zero Larry Frantzel’s attend your Youth Group, you should be extremely thankful. Here’s why:

Larry Frantzel has a pet parakeet

Actually, nine other pet parakeets, who perch on Larry’s slumpy shoulders at absolutely all times. Not only are these tiny, green and yellow arm-less squirrels highly distracting during your youthful gathering, they also spread lice and feathers quite liberally.

Larry Frantzel is allergic to milk

Not that big of a deal, right? Wrong! Larry refuses to drink anything but the “cow’s liquid-gift-to-my-face receptacle,” which causes Larry’s face to swell like an engorged squash and his body to produce unwanted odors.

Larry Frantzel hands out flyers

Like, non-stop. Once he infiltrates your cliquish, giggly youth group, Larry will spend almost the entire evening wandering around the room and handing out stack after stack of flyers for every imaginable upcoming event. Where does he get all of these flyers? No one knows. But now we all know why his fingers are always cut and bleeding.

Larry Frantzel leaves bloody fingerprints on everything he touches

See above.

Larry Frantzel loves to sing

Mainly patriotic tunes like “America the Beautiful,” “Yankee Doodle,” and “Have You Forgotten.” Larry only sings these songs as loudly as he can when he hands out flyers – which, unfortunately, is the entire duration of a youth group gathering.

Larry Frantzel loves goat cheese

If at any point you get Larry to stop handing out flyers and bellowing The National Anthem three pitches too high, he will likely want to render a show-and-tell-like performance on why he loves goat cheese. If you try to interrupt Larry, you better be prepared to watch a thirty-minute documentary Larry has saved on his phone about the health benefits of “solidified goat’s elixir.”

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