Thyme Over Time: Every Spice The Pharisees Tithed Found Under Man’s Basement

"It made my vision discs water and my legs quiver!"

Local barber and mountain bike repairman Jacob Cohn was simply looking for a safe, comfortable, and slightly damp place to let loose and be himself. Instead, he may have found the greatest and most fragrant historical discovery since Bastille Day!

“I was just working on renovating my basement for a man cave,” says a slightly overdressed Cohn. “Then from under the sub floor came the STRONGEST scent. It made my vision discs water and my legs quiver,” he added needlessly. Cohn didn’t realize that beneath his moist, pretentious basement lay the final resting place of all the spices the Pharisees ever tithed.

Known for keeping every iota of the Law of Moses, Pharisees tithed ten percent of everything – including their flavor-boosting spice racks. Manuscripts hidden in the large hollow beneath Cohn’s ostentatious and insincere house-cavern indicate that the Pharisee began collecting the “pixie dust of sustenance” over 2,100 years ago. However, judging from the pungent wafts emanating from Cohn’s subterranean house-layer, these spices are still capable of making any dish more palatable.

According to sources, Cohn still plans on completing the renovation of his gaudy, over-elaborate man cellar.

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