8 Things Only Baptists Will Understand

Every Baptist knows about all these things.

1. Filling up the baptismal with corn sometimes instead of water. If you are a Baptist, you remember Farmer Todd carrying his bushels of corn to the front of the church to fill the baptismal with his yellow seed corn.

2. Trust-falling onto one another while singing hymns. You fell as many times as you could through those four verses of “How Great Thou Art” and it was beautiful.

3. Letting coyotes and birds into the church to weed out the apostates. The raw meat and birdseed smell will never leave your Baptist nose. You’ll never forget the time and effort it took to get those coyotes and common birds to enter the church and chase the apostates away.

4. Kneeling each time a deacon carries in the bronze bones of Lottie Moon. Those bones are shiny, heavy, and deserve your respect.

5. Saying, “Let Ebenezer’s Whip guide you to the spaghetti pile” at potlucks. What a beautiful blessing to bestow on a beloved Baptist.

6. Burning each other’s ties off. It wasn’t all work. You got to play as well, and one of the ways you entertained yourselves as handsome Baptists was by burning each others ties off with lighters, matches, and candles.

7. Letting out a loud yodel every half-hour in the church service. What a joy.

8. Participating in the sacred “Greasing.” Once a year, the unwed ladies in your church would gather together and place their purity rings in a large bucket. A large portion of horse-grease was then placed inside the bucket, and each member of the church would take turns mixing those marvelous purity rings into the wonderful, bountiful moist grease of gladness.


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