You have a fever, and the only prescription is more soggy bottoms warming your empty pew cushions! It’s time for your church to grow, like your nephew Jeremy did after his Oreo addiction back in 2009. These eight new ministries are a sure-fire way to make your church balloon in size, like Jeremy’s chocolate-filled waist line:
1. Child Hose Down Ministry
Once a week, preferably on non-school nights, parents will be able to bring their children into the church parking lot. Here they will be met by the smiling faces of the Child Hose Down Ministry volunteers who will, with a fire hose, meticulously hose down each child for 5 to 10 minutes. Not only will this ensure that no child is covered with “Satan’s itchy kisses,” it will also teach them the valuable lesson of keeping their eyes and mouths closed during hose downs.
2. Slaughter House Ministry
Every self-respecting, beard-wielding hipster is looking for one thing and one thing only in a church – a Slaughter House Ministry. This is the place where congregants can bring their livestock or freshly-harvested game and watch as the volunteers gut, skin, and process these tasty creatures into succulent cuts of meat. We recommend you set apart a specific room for this ministry, but, if that’s not possible, go ahead and use the Fellowship Hall on Saturdays.
3. Massage Train Night
If your church doesn’t have a Massage Train Night once or twice a month, you’re likely to experience nearly zero growth this coming year. A cute thing to do is have each elder and deacon take turns being the caboose.
4. Mel Gibson Breakfast
Your attendance will skyrocket with a simple, monthly Mel Gibson Breakfast that is open to all Mel Gibson fans. Parishioners will be tickled to bits as they dish out scrambled eggs and hashy browns on to their soggy paper plates as various Lethal Weapon‘s play on screens throughout the room.
5. Grandfather Swap
Most millennials refuse to attend a church where they can’t stop by a well lit, decorated booth in the foyer and exchange their saggy, wrinkled grandfather for some shiny new nic nacs and souvenirs.
6. Church Treasurer Meat Flyers
If you don’t have a team of dedicated and educated volunteers printing out information flyers on what meats you should bestow on your church treasurer, your church will be struck by panic, confusion, and salmonella. These things do not lead to church growth.
7. Temple Tuesdays
Temple Tuesdays are a fun way to get families together during the week to reenact scenes that took place in the Temple. Watch as toddlers, teenagers, and adults of all ages put on costumes and learn all about the Levitical laws and sacrifices.
8. Tambourine Team
Nothing will says “seeker-friendly” or “we would do anything to get you to come to our church” like a team volunteers wearing matching t-shirts and randomly marching around the entire church playing their jingle disks loudly and emphatically. Although it may take some time to recruit and train the fifty volunteers needed to pull this off, the fruits of your labor will be worth the effort.