Millennials are vapid, yet bold. Flighty, yet innovative. These twelve pieces of advice will help your decent Millennial at home become an above-average Millennial.
1. People named “Peter” or “Cliff” are much more apt to create a killer secret handshake with you than, say, a Richard or Tony.
Richard’s generally have extremely poor coordination, and Tony’s are likely to bury you in the ground and steal your belongings.
2. Always carry a backpack full of rich, black topsoil.
Talking about your love for the environment is cute, but being ready to spread your soil at all times will really show the world you mean business.
3. Hire someone to post everything you are doing on social media for you.
Use the app “YouPost” to purchase the services of someone nearby to follow you around and write wonderful posts about your adventures, devotional, and the re-animated mini-dinosaurs you discover in the trash.
4. Stop using slang like “LOL” and “ROFL.” Instead, use a miniature piano to pluck out the syllables of the words you want to say.
We’d all appreciate this, thanks.
5. Your weird clothes make us mad. Invest in astronaut suits.
Please, put away the monkey-skin dungarees and prepare for the future. That disgusting fedora is so last year.
6. Kale is edible poison and eating it will slowly murder you by turning your stomach into another human who has to kill you to get out.
Honestly, this Kale thing has to go. So many Millennials are dying and being replaced by tummies.
7. Name your children “Netflix” and “Netflix1.“
“I love Netflix! Netflix is my favorite!” Get the picture?
8. If you accidentally “like” your ex-boyfriend’s Instagram picture from six months ago, comment on it with “your grandma is in trouble.”
This will save you from so much embarrassment.
9. When your iCloud storage reaches fullness, request to borrow your neighbor’s emaciated iCloud.
Your bloated iCloud is so engorged with pictures and memes and vids. Your neighbor Sanjay has a gaunt, sticklike iCloud. Go over there and use it for while.
10. Treat your driving man-servant well. Set a cooked steak on your Uber driver’s passenger seat.
Millennials can be so obsessed with themselves that they forget to care for their driving butlers. No need to be rude.
11. Peel a smartphone-shaped piece of bark off of a tree if you forgot your device at home in the wash machine.
Nobody will blame you.
12. People are so over Emoji’s. Record an audio clip that carefully describes the Emoji you would have left.
“Caucasian woman with two arms forming an ‘X.’ She has black hair and a sour expression.” Quit living in the past, Millennial. This is the new thing.