July can’t come soon enough as we anticipate the incredible “Jesus Freak Cruise,” which will include our favorite 90’s Christian artists Kevin Max, Michael Tait, and Toby Mac. Here are six reasons why you should be just as excited for the cruise as we are.
1. Humbled Newsboys Roadies Will Serve You As Much Orange Juice As You Can Possibly Dream Of
After being shamed and harshly treated, a group of humbled Newsboys roadies will do everything they can to ensure that you get your fill of orange juice on the Jesus Freak Cruise. Yell “O.J.” or press the “Emergency Orange Juice” button, which will send a violent shock to a Newsboys roadie nearby. This will alert him that you are ready for a new batch of juice to enter into your bladder.
2. You’ll Get A Chance To Lift A Man Equally-Proportioned To Donald Trump Jr.
A 6’1″, 215-pound man will stand ready for you to lift him as high as you can. He absolutely will not curse at you or box your ears; he has been instructed to become dead-weight so you truly feel that you are lifting the President’s beautiful first-born son.
3. Kevin Max Will Swim In The Aquarium For A While And You Can Watch
You and scores of DC Talk fans can watch as the always-entertaining Kevin Max swims around in the aquarium for a while. There will certainly be moments that will cause you to think, “Yes, he is going to be bitten by a shark or stung by a jelly-fish.” After these close calls, gain your composure, enjoy an orange juice, and watch as Kevin attempts flips. If you listen closely, you may hear him sing I Took A Dive.
4. You’ll Be Allowed To Empty Your Clips On Some Dirty Pirates Who Want To Board The Ship
If watching Kevin swim in an aquarium or lifting a Trump Jr.-sized man isn’t your thing, fighting off the surprisingly effective offensive put on by real, nasty pirates will keep you busy.
5. DC Talk Will Wear Lots and Lots Of Faded Denim
Wearing faded denim 24-hours a day throughout the entire week will certainly make the 90’s singing group sweat and visibly uncomfortable, but their loss is your gain. Just when it looks like it’s all over, they will add extra layers of the denim to prove to you that they really care. Wow!
6. You Will Get A Chance To Perform Obscure Songs From Kevin Max’s Solo Albums In Front Of DC Talk
Good Kings Highway, Her Game, Confessional Booth, Unholy Triad, and Phantoms of Terra are all available to you to perform earnestly in front of the exhausted and overheated singing group. Because of their heat strokes, they are unlikely to show much emotion, good or bad. Their weak and disheveled figures will give you plenty of confidence.