You’ve been added to your church’s leadership team after rigorous tests and feats of strength. You’ve honed your poultry-raising skills and your name is on billboards all over Branson, Missouri. You’ve been given the blessed title “Purveyor of the Youths” or, as some less-than-reverent hoodlums call you: “The Youth Leader.” As you stand with your chest puffed out, head held high, and milk spilling out of your mouth, you realize that you have plenty of good ideas, but you aren’t sure about what you shouldn’t do. Here are five things you should never do at Youth Group Wednesday night.
1. Never show videos that you haven’t actually watched first.
This is a big one, and failure here could mean jail time, or worse: you could be forced to become a Jehovah’s Witness or a much younger Dan Akroyd. What if that silly dancing monkey does continuous lines of coke in the twenty-seconds remaining? What if that boy playing baseball is actually committing an act of terror in an ISIS recruitment video?
2. Never keep your stack of gold bars near the front of your teaching area.
Your gold bars should be neatly piled underneath the couches and chairs, but never near the front where you teach from. This is a “Rookie Mistake,” named after former Youth Leader Albert Rookie who kept all of his gold near the front of his teaching area and was kicked out of the EV Free denomination.
3. Never allow your students to go to space.
Your time is your time. Every minute counts in spiritual warfare: allowing one of your students to hop in a rocket ship while you are teaching through the Sermon on the Mount is a Pandora’s Box. Let them use their own time for intergalactic travel and alien hugs.
4. Never embarrass a student.
Your goal is reaching these students with Jesus, not proving to the Youth Group that you are better at Black Magic or downloading pirated films. Let them win!
5. Never speak to a student without the use of tongues.
8/10 wealthy Youth Leaders agree that communicating with their greasy students in angelic languages (tongues) is far and away the most difficult part of the job. You will both become frustrated as you try to explain the game “Chubby Bunny” or attempt to tell them about the next youth camping trip. Acting only makes things more difficult as heavy, strenuous movement causes the students to take their focus off of interpreting your gibberish and onto your thrusts and grunts.