Are You Guilty Of Breaking One of These 5 Unwritten Rules of Baptism?

"Everyone at their own pace, Ricky."

Baptism is a beautiful time for all involved. However, if you forget one of these five unwritten rules of Reverend’s Great Water-Dunk, disaster is soon to follow.

1. The Pastor Shall First Lead All in the “Meatman’s Promenade.”

Holding the hands of all men between the ages of 13-68, the Pastor will begin this solemn occasion with a lovely promenade celebrating the Great Meatman and his kin. Around and around they will go until one of your sweaty church members yells, “Four More For Thy Flunt!” This signals the end of the always-earnest “Meantman’s Promenade.”

2. The One Who Is To Enter the Big Wet Blanket Shall First Entice the Wicker Sea Monster.

Unrestricted by time, that soon-to-be-wet man or woman must first “entice” the Wicker Sea Monster into the water, depicting the ups and downs of the Christian Life. Many will be tempted to touch or whisper to the Wicker Sea Monster, but they mustn’t. The Monster is only wicker, thus it will not be enticed. This will act as a stern warning to your congregation.

3. The Congregation Shall Read the “Song of the Steed.”

“The wagon rests in winter,

the sleigh in summer,

the horse never.”

4. The Pastor Shall Tightly Grip “The One Who is to Be Dipped in The Sacred Blue Fluid” While Groaning Psalm 96.

Due to the short nature of the Song of the Steed, the Pastor must be in position to plop him or her into The Miniature Ocean of Baptism. Groaning Psalm 96, as we remember from the Great Disaster of 1998, is not a suggestion, but a command (though unwritten).

5. After He Who Has Been Slopped By Water Emerges, A Moment of Silent Counting Commences.

Everyone at their own pace, Ricky.

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