Bless her heart! Your creative Mom wrote down a bunch of neat Christian band name ideas that we are forced to read and pretend to like. This is definitely a fake smile that we are putting on to look brave for the kids. We are doing everything we can not to take this uncomfortable moment out on Reince Priebus. Here are the ten Christian band names that your dear Mom came up with that are definitely cringe-worthy, but we’d never tell her to her face.
1. Billy Graham
This is an earnest attempt by your sweet Mom, but there is an evangelist with this name already. We checked online and noticed that there might be some SEO issues and general confusion in using the name “Billy Graham” for your new Christian band that plays harmonicas and multiple drums.
Cute! However, this is disgusting and wasting our time.
3. The Dirty Samaritan Orchestra
Your Mom emailed this one to us and CC’d most of your High School buddies, as well as the Nigerian Princes she is personally supporting. We replied that this was cringe-worthy and would probably be included in a post about her awful Christian band name ideas. Your Mom, crafty as she is, tried to sue us immediately. We are in the litigation phase, and I can see us probably losing. Who knows if this post will even make it out of the drafts.
4. Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz and The Blue Street Band
Yeah, we get it. This is the name in Isaiah 8:3 that is “totally in vogue these days,” according to Reince Priebus. This is a big fat failure of an attempt.
5. Twelve Angry Disciples
This is a bit dark.
6. Nobody Likes Judas
True, but harsh.
7. Completely Leavened Bread
Your Mom is so embarrassing that I want to fill an abandoned pool with orange juice and repeatedly baptize Reince Priebus inside of it.
8. Perry Noble Muffin Disaster
This is funny but no.
9. The Legendary Gog and Magogs
Your Mom is so passionate and sweet, but this makes my joints ache with the fury of a thousand suns.
10. Rank Zacchaeus
Your Mom hand-delivered this one after we rejected all of her calls and texts. We shook her hand, accepted the hand-written letter with the name “Rank Zacchaeus,” and shut the door. She let out a coarse scream, and we never saw her again. Just know that she is a terrific lady, but all ten of these ideas were awful and a huge waste of time.