Yes, This Is The Jerk Who Always Heats Up A Can Of Baked Beans During Special Music


Toad Wheatfizzle, a long-time member of your church, is the culprit. He is the one who heats up a can of baked beans every Sunday during the “Special Music” time-slot.

It can be quite distracting, we know. The humming of the Bunsen Burner, the crackling of the warm beans, the metal can clanging against whichever pew he threw it at when he was done: this is totally unacceptable, but, because he is your brother in Christ, you must bear with him.

Toad has been an emotional wreck lately. You’ve caught him talking to himself in the bathroom, tears streaming down his pale face. He has been singing worship songs extra loudly as of late, attempting the tenor, but falling way short. His hands are always muddy and brown, but you don’t have the guts to ask why. It’s obvious that Toad is going through something, so perhaps you should back off.

On second thought, Toad is being completely inconsiderate. Wendy Johnsonville is singing a beautiful rendition of “Saddle Up Your Horses,” but you are too distracted by the sound of a working can opener and spoonfuls of brown beans entering his mouth to notice. This man must be stopped. He is the jerk who heats up a can of baked beans during special music.

It is time for you to approach him — for the good of the Body.

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