We bought amazing amounts of Tang™ and Baked Ziti. We reinforced our basement walls with bricks, the bones of former NASCAR racers, glue, used gum, the organs of multiple men named “Rusty,” and lead. We invited all of our friends over to lay in our assigned, beautiful coffin beds, listen to Radiohead, and recite The Lord’s Prayer until our mouths were so dry we had to drink more Tang™. We made so much bathroom in those special corners inside our end-times-prophecy-proof-underground-fortress, only to be disappointed by these five end-times prophecies.
Horrifying, yet humbling!
1. Harold Camping and the “Assimilation of Several Lesser Wilt Chamberlain’s Into Our Parties.” We all remember hoarding vats of cinnamon and purchasing small portions of the Everglades after we heard Harold Camping’s final end-times prophecy before he kicked the bucket, which was slated to take place May 11th, 2012. “Many less-athletic and socially awkward Wilt Chamberlain’s will emerge,” Camping told Christianity Today on February 23rd. “They will attempt to enter our birthday parties and Bar Mitzvah’s, become cursory friends, and try to dunk on the outside basketball hoops. They will fail. They will lack the athleticism and strength of the original ‘Wilt the Stilt.’ This will signal the end.”
What a disaster.
2. Beth Moore finds herself in an old abandoned shed with a yellow, Kermit-the-Frog-knockoff named “Kravitz-Kravitz.” Perhaps our greatest scare came when God told Beth Moore in a still, small voice to wander Philadelphia, Pennsylvania aimlessly with a blindfold on. This led to one of the worst failed prophecies of all-time. “Kravitz-Kravitz is a fine, handsome boy, yellow and loosely based on Kermit the Frog, star of the Muppets,” Beth Moore screamed into a mic’d-up crockpot on Daystar. “He has informed me that this is it. The tribulation has arrived. Buy up your coffins, obtain the bones of former NASCAR greats, and hop to it.”
She would never recover.
3. Jim Bakker’s “Plate of Dry Fish.” We were ready for the big fat world to melt into a glob of hot tar after we heard Jim Bakker’s remarkable end-times prophecy. While eating at a nice Country Buffet in July of 2010, Bakker stood on his seat, dusted the crumbs off of his shirt, and immediately sat right back down. He repeated this several times before he proclaimed with stiff vibrato, “This dry fish that I have firmly placed onto my own beautiful plate reminds me of a dream I once had.” The entire restaurant was stunned, according to Charisma Magazine. A dull roar was replaced by ten minute power naps, which then turned back into a dull roar, but with some show tunes peppered in. “This dry fish, if it were thrown into a blender, would be really really gross and full of hot stink. That is what will happen to our big fat earth on April 23rd of 2011.”
April 23rd came and went, and we all got out of our coffins and returned the bones and glue we obtained with shame.
4. John Hagee and “Kristi Yamaguchi’s Failed Triple Axel.” John Hagee is known in most circles as the “Sturdy, Formidable Preacherm’n,” and no end-times pronouncement was more bold than his November 27th prophecy. He invited Kristi to the nearest ice rink and asked her to perform numerous tricks, including the amazing “Triple Axel” in front of a large crowd. “There were five, maybe six-thousand people in that ice rink. Kristi did so many spins and jumps, she got sick and threw up on the ice. Then we all got sick and threw up on the ice,” Gerard Balloon of Philadelphia told us. “Thats when he climbed on her back and began prophesying that the end of the world was near.” Hagee promised that November 27th, 2015 would be the day we all disintegrate into dust and salt unless we hoard some baked beans and hide in our cold basements.
5. Henry Winkler’s Happy Days: Illegal Immigrants Edition prophecy. We were all disappointed when Henry Winkler’s famous prophecy failed. In season one, episode forty-six of Happy Days: Illegal Immigrants Edition, Winkler predicted that the end of the world would take place December 26th, 2016. “It will all be over,” his aged, but illegal Arthur Fonzarelli character told us while looking directly into the camera and giving us two, big illegal thumbs up. “A comet may kill all earth life. Glue-up your basements with bones and lead to ward off impending doom, and bottle some air while you are at it.” After the forty-sixth and final episode, aged Illegal Immigrant Arthur Fonzarelli was no more. The show was cancelled, and so were our hopes.