This KJV-Onlyist Sure Knows His Bugs


Harold Eisenhower of Richards, Nebraska inspired his entire neighborhood by standing right in the middle of a cul-de-sac and bellowing every dang bug that came to mind.

Harold, known for his strict adherence to the King James Bible, had been preparing for this incredible, mind-bloggling moment for several weeks by Googling “bug” and “insects,” studying their appearance, and tenaciously memorizing them.

“I have printed out every single beautiful bug that I diligently plastered in my God-given brain,” Eisenhower told us as he was ripping out the pages of an ESV Bible. “I ran out of ink so many times — if I didn’t have to go through the trouble of earnestly matching the special ink number on the back of the ink cartridge box, I could’ve memorized hundreds more for my pagan neighbors.”


“He bellowed out bugs such as ants, worms, and bees,” a neighbor who wished to remain anonymous, told us. “We could really tell that he was prepared for this day when he slowly and deliberately whispered “Goliath Beetle.”

“He was out there for an hour,” another neighbor said. “Many of us got tired of standing around the cul-de-sac and went inside for dinner. We left our windows open to hear the finale, though.”

Richard Rompman, his neighbor to the East divulged, “Yeah, we knew when he had finally reached the end. He named the last few bugs with a fury of emotion. His last bug was ‘Smormwax,’ which isn’t even a real insect.”


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