Jim Bakker and Bible Tom were right, and it is not too late to begin prepping. Buy uncured meats and folding chairs made out of beaver tails and yarn because things are about to get moldy and moist. If you have a house, replace it with a canoe with tires — we are all going to suffer the consequences infused into the Great Tribulation. These two intimately-connected forks that we found searching Google prove that Matthew 24 is unfolding before our very eyes.
Please, return every old DVD you rented from the video store, use a TracFone to call Kirk Cameron, and pull out your flowers from the ground, for we have all entered Daniel’s 70th Week.