Evangelical Intelligentsia: “Please Stop Avoiding Our Super Bowl Parties” 

"The declaration was motivated by dwindling numbers at church-hosted Super Bowl parties, which tend to be mostly lame."

Prominent Evangelical leaders from many mainline denominations, as well as a few non-denominational pastors, unanimously declared at the annual “Prominent Evangelical Breakfast” that those who do not attend a church-sponsored Super Bowl party will be given over to Satan.

The decision and declaration was motivated by dwindling numbers at church-hosted Super Bowl parties, which tend to be mostly lame.

The Evangelical Intelligentsia met in January to discuss the boring mandate, but waited until today to make their declaration known. Reportedly, they wanted to utilize the element of surprise when breaking the news to their congregations, leaving no choice.

“We were sick and tired of organizing these above-average Super Bowl parties and people not even showing because they would rather watch paint dry.” said Richard Land, president of Southern Evangelical Seminary. “It costs boatloads of money to illegally project the big game on a screen, and lets be honest: none of us are Creflo Dollar. We provide a warm environment with limited yelling and an optional bathroom-break.”

Rev. Dr. George Robertson, moderator of the Presbyterian Church in America, had this to say: “Good gravy, people! This is not a ‘secondary issue,’ like infant baptism. If I don’t personally see you at our church-hosted Super Bowl party, you’re spending time with the Devil. Oh, and bring plenty of Cool Ranch Doritos to share.”

Churches are expecting a massive boom in Super Bowl Party attendance this year — and leftovers.

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