SOS: Jared C. Wilson Is Running Out Of Fingers To Plug All The Holes In His Boat

Please help him.

Somebody please help Jared C. Wilson get back to shore — he’s too busy plugging all the holes in his small, blue boat to get himself back to safety. The seagulls are relentless, and he is experiencing scurvy-like symptoms. This is not ideal.

After preaching a sermon on the importance of preaching the Gospel to the Gospel so that it (the Gospel), can, in-turn, go share the Gospel with the Gospel, Jared C. Wilson threw his decent bag of bones into his boat and took to a nearby lake. The rest is history, and it is a nasty history.


Jared C. Wilson paddled his boat to the middle of some brown  lake and threw entire loaves of bread into the big wet body of water in hopes of “seeing some fishies,” as Jared C. Wilson often says. This weekly event typically gives JCW an adequate amount of rest and time for reflection.

Not this time.

The boat sprung some leaks, which gave birth to new leaks, which adopted a set of leaks. Now there are eight flippin’ leaks in his boat and he’s running out of fingers to plug all of those dad gum holes up. Someone please rescue the man. This is not a good look for him.

Jared C. Wilson is also experiencing scurvy. That’s right, he has swollen gums, which become soft and vulnerable to bleeding; severe joint pain, caused by bleeding inside the joints; shortness of breath; redness and swelling in recently healed wounds and easily bruised skin. Jared C. Wilson is also feeling very tired and weak, a general sense of feeling “out of sorts,” pain in his limbs – particularly his legs, and the appearance of small red-blue spots on his skin.

Not good!

Someone please paddle out to Jared C. Wilson and rescue him. Take him under your wing. Give him some warm clothes and beef broth. Tell him some stories.

Jared C. Wilson is miserable.

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