As many of you know, my pet ferret Rhonda passed away last week due to a certain amount of neglect on my part. She was a beautiful and decent ferret that never made bathroom on our kitchen floor or displaced any of the milk in my cereal when we shared a breakfast.
She was also a cancer survivor and had no patience for sass, pomp, cirumstance, or making bathroom anywhere else except her cage. Even though I never cleaned her cage, I imagine that she would have smiled if I had because of her excentric sensibilities.
In a bitter rage, I made a list of all the Christian celebs that never saw my ferret Rhonda on her death bed and bid her a hearty farewell. I was not there, but I was pretty upset that these celebs never showed up either.
1. Derek Minor, Handsome Rapper
Rapm’n Dr. Derek Minor would’ve put beautiful Rhonda at ease. I imagine Rapm’n Minor would’ve handed Rhonda a nut or some oats as a token of his sorrow.
2. Matt Chandler, Pastor
In classic Matt Chandler style, Matt would’ve made a funny, sarcastic remark that we’ve all come to expect from our beloved Friends character.
3. Phil Johnson, Grace To You
For Rhonda, it would mainly be about Phil’s handlebar mustache. He wouldn’t have even needed to talk. His “‘Stache Presence” would’ve been more than adequate.
4. Brian Houston, Hillsong
Ferret Rhonda wasn’t really concerned about theology, so she would’ve appreciated Brian.
5. Jeremy Lin, Charlotte Hornets
Jeremy should’ve brought Linsanity to my moist ferret.
6. C.J. Maheney, Sovereign Grace Ministries
C.J. could’ve comforted Rhonda in her affliction with his bald head and soft kisses.
7. Rosaria Butterfield, The Gospel Coalition
Not trying to make Rosaria feel bad, but the reality is that she blew it with my wonderful dead ferret.
8. Kevin DeYoung, Pastor
Where were you, Kevin? Were you blogging? Preaching? Writing books? You have so much free time, but instead you ignored my rotting ferret.
9. Wayne Grudem, Theologian
I would’ve even allowed Wayne to talk about his continuationist beliefs regarding the gifts of the Spirit. That’s how desperate I was.
10. Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace University
Ya’ blew it, Dave. You could’ve talked about credit cards and the perils of loan sharks, but instead, your absence was as deafening as your screams of financial freedom.