Port Orange, Florida — Grant Greemeth, a small-business owner and recent Florida University graduate, reportedly used his bare hands to forcefully remove portions of the Bible he isn’t willing or able to understand. According to the police report, Greemeth had come home from Recycled Human Remains Inc. (RHR) after a long day and sat down in his easy chair. He reached for his Bible and began reading the preface, where translations explain their philosophy, legacy, and unique features. That’s when he purportedly lost his cool.
“I was burning down a neighbor’s house,” asserted an obviously confused and potentially dangerous member of the community. “Then I saw him exit the front door with two red, sweaty hands that probably had just done something strenuous. His face was so red, as red as his devious, guilty hands. He grabbed a piece of wood that was burning from my crime and placed the pages on it. It was horrific. I was stunned and asked out loud, ‘Had he just removed portions of a Holy Book with force and made them fire-food?’ Then I went into my house and re-bandaged wounds I had acquired while recklessly causing a fiery blanket of death to smother that unattended home.”
A GoFundme Campaign has been started for Greemeth’s outrageous medical expenses. His hands still remain red and sweaty since the incident. He is also probably an accomplice in the arson thing-a-ma-jig.