President Donald Trump sassily announced yesterday, through a sassy and fabulous social media account that almost nobody has heard of outside of Washington, D.C., that he would be releasing the much anticipated “JFK Files” today. This, undoubtedly, has caused fainting spells and motion sickness throughout the world as many have waited decades to find out whether or not President Kennedy had lice in his hair, or whether his meek shoulders could carry bags of wheat on them.
Combing through the files like J.F. Kennedy likely had to do to his lice-infested hair on a daily basis, we found three times (!) that the government mentioned Tim Hawkins and his propensity to fall out of trees.
1. Page ten, paragraph one: “The President felt noticeably nervous about the parade in Dallas. This is when the secret service noticed a child-sized, adult-faced Tim Hawkins fall out of a tree.” This is debilitatingly honest. The anxiety that day was palpable, yet they went ahead with this parade, which commemorated the time astronauts ate a bunch of oranges on the space shuttle without barfing them back up.
2. Page forty-six, paragraph eleven: “We were glad the President brought some crosswords on the ride, because traffic was stopped for miles and miles. A shriveled-up Tim Hawkins fell out of a second tree and rolled into the road. Probably broke his tailbone.” Now we know why he seemed so distracted when he pulled into town that fateful day. His elbows were swollen and his saliva wasn’t the right color. We are finally getting to the bottom of what happened that terrible day.
3. Page one-hundred and thirteen, paragraph sixteen: “Law enforcement attempted to identify the shooter, but it was nearly impossible because a miniaturized, clearly-aged, future “family comedian” Tim Hawkins fell out of an apple tree and needed immediate medical attention.” Wow. The mystery lives on.